Friday!!

It's been a super long and super busy week! In more like a super busy month! Busy is good, but as you may have noticed I haven't been able to keep up as much with my blog. Here's a quick summary of everything that's happened:
Oct 20-21 I went with some friends and some friends of friends to Wisconsin Dells to go zip lining and paint balling and it was great fun! I can't wait to go back! That Saturday was sweetest day, and Bill, my boyfriend, being the sweety that he is bought me a rose at the bar early Saturday morning while we were still out in the city. :)

Oct 22 I went to Bill's place to watch the Bears whoop the Detroit Lions on Monday night football, and to watch Obama hand it to Romney in the debate! We sat on Bill's couch drinking wine and cuddling and about half way through the game we started making out and ended up having sex right then and there. We had sex twice that night before I spent the night. It was SO worth waiting 2 months for! The sex was great!

Oct 23rd I went to "Game Night" with Bill and got to meet another one of Bill's friends. I had a great time. I really like Bill's friends. They seem like good people. :)

Oct 24th I spent the evening with Bill walking around, shopping, and watching the Walking Dead while cuddling. It was very nice :) I spent the night again and that morning woke up to amazing sex and a nice orgasm :)

Oct 25 I had to work all day and then go pack for Washington DC because my flight was at 7:30a the next morning. I got a little tipsy drinking wine, didn't get any packing done. And when bill texted me that he was done bowling I told him to come over and we had sex in the car. I ended up staying up till 1am but it was SO worth it.

Oct 26- 31st I was in Washington DC and that trip deserves its own post. It was a great trip!

Oct 31st I had Bill pick me up from the airport after my 7a flight. In the car we were kissing and could barely keep our hands off each other. When we got back to his place we had hot sex over and over till like 1p. Then we grabbed some lunch and went shopping. I got myself a Halloween costume for later that night, and then we also got me some sexy nighties for later ;) after shopping Bill and I went to my friend's party where Bill got to meet some of my friends. After the party we went back to his place and had sex before falling asleep in each others arms :) That day Bill also showed me that he had put aside a drawer for me to put my stuff in at his place! :)

Nov 2nd I went out to a bar with Bill and we took shots of Patron in honor of Dia de Los muertos and had drinks and food. It was a fun night.

The next day on Nov 3rd Bill and I had brunch together before I had to go to work, and afterwards went to the same bar for food, drinks, and shuffleboard.
Bill kicked my ass at shuffleboard lol.

Nov 4th Bill and I woke up early so we could go bowling with his parents. I got to meet them for the first time that day and they seem like really nice people.

This week I've spent every night at Bill's place. Monday night was Game Night, Tuesday we watched President Obama get re-elected together, Wednesday night we stayed in and watched 24, and last night we went to dinner with his parents and then I cheered them on in their bowling league. It was a lot of fun!

Now it's finally Friday, which ironically sucks because instead of working at the job I love I have to work at the job I hate all weekend. At least I get to go out with Bill tonight and tomorrow, and on Sunday I get to go bowling with him and his parents, and watch the Bears play the Texans on Sunday night Football!

More to come!

Happy Friday everybody!

I'm afraid...

Last night I finally went to Bill's house for the first time. I went over there for "game night" with his friends. I had a lot of fun. It helped that of the three different card games we played I won all three lol. I guess I had beginners luck on my side. Bill's friends were really nice and I had a great time. I'm looking forward to going back next week. Bill also has this adorable black cat who is just the sweetest and most playful creature. I can tell that Bill is noticing that I have my walls up and I've been somewhat evasive. He is always trying to get to spend more time with me, and I feel like I'm always saying "no". I'm working on being more available to him, but it isn't easy. Not only am I super busy lately with everything, but I'm very much afraid of getting hurt.

The other issue is that I haven't slept with him yet. Usually by this point in the relationship I've already done that, and I'm afraid that sex could be an issue. Part of why I've always slept with guys early on is that I want to make sure that we're physically compatible before I invest any time getting to know them. The problem is that in the past that has almost always led to my being used. This time I was determined to do it right, so I haven't slept with him, but now I'm scared to death that if something goes wrong I'll either lose someone I've spent a lot of time with, or I'll no longer be attracted to him. I realize that I'm going to have to sleep with him soon though, because we're already boyfriend and girlfriend, I'm running out of excuses, and honestly I haven't had sex in 2 months and could really use some action.

There is one other issue I'm concerned about.... I'm not in love with Bill. Not yet anyway, and part of that is because I haven't fully brought my walls down. However, I'm beginning to be concerned that he is falling in love with me. This concerns me because it is REALLY awkward when one person says I love you and the other one doesn't say it back. When Bruce first told me that he loved me, I was pretty sure I was already in love with him too. He told me that I didn't have to say it back, but even though I'm not sure I was ready to say it back I said it anyway. I'd already accidentally texted it to him earlier that week, so I knew the feelings were there. I had just never said it before to a man so saying it was a big deal for me. I would very much like to fall in love again, but because of what happened with Bruce I know that I'm not ready for that yet. I do not want to get hurt like that again, and even though it's making me feel almost emotionally stunted to keep my walls up, emotionally stunted still feels better than heart broken.

To my fellow Liberal Sluts:

The above message is an important one that you should remember during your dating years... It's something that we tend to forget as women. So many men will try to get you to do what THEY want and to put THEM first, but we as women need to learn to fight that! No matter what anyone says or thinks about you, you ARE worth it! Just remember that the next time a guy tries to take advantage of you. If someone isn't treating you the way that you want to be treated, then it's time to say goodbye and move on because there is someone out there waiting for you who knows that you are worth it! Just keep telling yourself this because it can get hard from time to time... but that's no reason to give up, no reason to get down on yourself, and no reason to settle. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

The Trouble with Bruce

Last night I was talking to Bruce via text message. I had invited him to go paint-balling with me. He said that he didn't want to go because he had better things to do. I was disappointed, so I decided to tease him a little for being so introverted lately. I asked Bruce whether or not he was against fun or something, and then pointed out some of the activities that I think are fun that he doesn't like. For example, I love to go dancing on the weekends, but Bruce HATES dance clubs. I was of course just giving him a hard time and accompanied all of my teasing messages with winky faces ;) . It didn't take long though before Bruce accused me of being on the verge of being annoying and insulting.

This is not the first instance where I have given Bruce a hard time and he has taken it the wrong way, in fact almost every instance where I try to tease, or joke with him he gets upset. Amongst my family, and the friends I grew up with this is just how we show affection! We tease each other to show that we know each other, we're comfortable with each other, and to make one another laugh. The more I thought though about Bruce's reaction the more I realized that I'd never really seen him self deprecate before. In fact often times Bruce would go out of his way to make himself look good when it was completely unnecessary. I began to realize that Bruce's problem was blatantly obvious and glaringly simple! He simply has low self esteem. Here are just a few examples of Bruces behavior that led me to this conclusion:
1) Even though Bruce regularly refers to himself as a "nerd" and is usually quite proud of his nerdiness to the point that he displays it out loud as often as possible, whenever I have referred to him as a nerd he has gotten offended. When he says something particularly nerdy, like quoting an obscure comic book for instance, I would often times make a comment like "you are SUCH a nerd" with a smile on my face. I find his nerdiness endearing and cute and it's one of the things I like about him, yet when i make a comment like that Bruce either becomes silent and broody, or he becomes defensive and denies being a nerd altogether.
2) When we were together towards the end of our relationship Bruce and I didn't get to see much of each other. When he would miss me he would send me a text message saying he missed me and he loved me. When I returned the favor though Bruce would become upset. He would make comments like "oh well". He would accuse me of being clingy, needy, and whiny. He accused me of making him feel bad, and making him feel like a bad boyfriend. Of course NONE of that was intended! I was just telling the man that I loved that I loved him and missed him. It was as if Bruce didn't think anyone could possibly love him or miss him.
3) Whenever someone shares one of their accomplishments with Bruce he has to "one up it". If I told him for instance about avoiding a car accident in my car by making a difficult turning maneuver, Bruce would respond by telling me how he made that maneuver 12 times last week and that he could do that in his sleep! Anytime anyone share something with Bruce that he can't "one up" he will simply state that he "doesn't care about that" and try to change the subject. It is as if he has a constant need to prove himself and to impress people.
4) Bruce has a nasty scar on his stomach from when he had surgery. Someone at his work once told him that it was disgusting, and ever since he has felt the need to hide it by keeping his upper body covered at ALL times.
5) Bruce used to be a little on the chubby side. He was never really fat, but rather chubby. A few years ago he started working out and cutting back on drinking soda. He dropped weight shockingly fast, so fast that his best friend and mother were concerned for his health. By the time that he stopped losing weight he was skinny enough to fit into his 16 year old sisters pants. Bruce has made comments towards me about how he doesn't understand why I find him attractive, that I wouldn't like him if he was still "fat" and he often times seems ashamed of the way he looked back then.
6) Anytime a girl hits on him it makes him uncomfortable. It is almost as if he doesn't comprehend why a woman would want to have sex with him. He responds by asking her why she likes him, why him, and any number of other similar questions.

Taking all of this into account, and knowing what I know about Bruce and about psychology, I am fairly certain that Bruce has low self esteem. I don't think that he thinks that he is "worth it" and I find this incredibly disturbing as it is a self fulfilling prophecy for Bruce. The minute he starts to think that he's not worth it he starts to lose respect for the woman who likes him simply BECAUSE she likes him. This leads him to lose interest in the relationship and behave like someone who ISN'T worth it. Bruce and I may have our issues, but at the end of the day he is a good person who deserves some happiness! I just hope he figures that out sooner rather than later.

Drunk, Horny, and Sexting the Ex again...

Wine is good. Wine is SO good that I could literally drink it all day everyday alcohol or not and not get tired of it, but unfortunately it is an alcoholic beverage. Tonight I was drinking my wine and blogging when Bruce sent me a text message telling me that he is single, drunk, and horny. I was the same way so I simply responded "me too". He then asked for a sexy video which I provided. I don't know what it is about him, but sexting him is just WAY too much fun lol. I also think my hormones are playing a role in this. In case you are not a female I will point out that at certain points during the month the female body produces a shit ton of hormones to increase sex drive in order to increase the chances of impregnation. It's Biology 101 and it SUCKS! lol. Between the wine, the sexy text messages, and the hormones it's almost unbearable. Too bad Bruce lives over 20 miles away and if I drove there I'd have to risk a DUI! Grrrrr.

Passion

Passion can be a wonderful thing. I'm a passionate person, and sometimes when I let it overwhelm me it can rive me to do things I need to do that I wouldn't otherwise have an easy time doing. I've always been proud of my passion for the things in my life, and looked down on others who didn't have the same passion for things in their lives.
Lately though since I've been seeing Bill I've wondered whether passion may actually be a BAD thing in a relationship. I'd being lying to myself if I said that my passion didn't come between Bruce and I. I'd also being lying if I said we we'ren't passionate about each other. From the moment we first kissed up until the present there has been an underlying attraction, and passion between the both of us that seems just completely unwilling to die. Kamil and I had a similar passion, but he completely cut ties with me for whatever reason (I still don't know). That same passion though is the reason that I think that Bruce can't let me go. I've tried to push him out of my life, but thats easier said then done especially because we used to be friends. Lately we've been getting along which has been nice.
I guess my point is that I don't have that same passion for Bill. When he kisses me its very nice and sweet, and I love it when he puts his arm around me. I'm not sure that I'm ready to sleep with him though. I don't know if that's because I was burned by Kyle and Arben (and to a certain extent Bruce and Tom) or if it's because I'm nervous. Which is weird.... I'm usually not nervous. I guess I'm worried that I'll be disappointed, or he'll be disappointed. I can tell he really likes me because he's always offering to meet up with me, and if things keep going the way they are going I'm going to have a bonafied boyfriend soon, yet I'm still nervous.
I guess I've always had this issue.... I didn't know I even liked Bruce in a sexual way till we made out at a dance club. I didn't know I liked Arben or Kyle that way till they kissed me. I didn't know I liked Kamil that way until he picked me up and carried me into our friends bed room, and so on and so forth.
I usually figure out how much I like someone after they kiss me, or we make out, or we have sex. It's just been difficult because Bill isn't a traditionally handsom guy, but he IS amazingly sweet! When he kisses me it's nice. I'm don't feel like ripping his clothes off, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm counting down till it's over either. All of this is just WAY too confusing. I guess in the end that is the advantage to passion. When you have passion there is no question. Maybe that's why in this case passion may be the enemy?

Wine and the Vampire Diaries

There is nothing more relaxing than sitting on the couch sipping wine and watching TV. It is a luxury that is not afforded to many people and it is a luxury I rarely get to indulge in, but I have spent the last two nights after work sitting on my couch sipping wine and watching the Vampire Diaries. It does bring some things into perspective... one being that I should just be glad I'm not living the Vampire Diaries lol,  Two, the men on that show are SUPER hot! The third thing though is actually finally understand Bruce's need for "me time". When I was younger I always needed "me time" but after college I was SO used to running around like a crazy person that I became bored with "me time" because I had nothing to be passionate about. I just wanted to spend all of my time with Bruce. Lately though, since I've started blogging I've found that I'm back to enjoying my "me time". I think I finally found something that makes me passionate enough that I enjoy being alone. I think this is good.