The Trouble with Bruce

Last night I was talking to Bruce via text message. I had invited him to go paint-balling with me. He said that he didn't want to go because he had better things to do. I was disappointed, so I decided to tease him a little for being so introverted lately. I asked Bruce whether or not he was against fun or something, and then pointed out some of the activities that I think are fun that he doesn't like. For example, I love to go dancing on the weekends, but Bruce HATES dance clubs. I was of course just giving him a hard time and accompanied all of my teasing messages with winky faces ;) . It didn't take long though before Bruce accused me of being on the verge of being annoying and insulting.

This is not the first instance where I have given Bruce a hard time and he has taken it the wrong way, in fact almost every instance where I try to tease, or joke with him he gets upset. Amongst my family, and the friends I grew up with this is just how we show affection! We tease each other to show that we know each other, we're comfortable with each other, and to make one another laugh. The more I thought though about Bruce's reaction the more I realized that I'd never really seen him self deprecate before. In fact often times Bruce would go out of his way to make himself look good when it was completely unnecessary. I began to realize that Bruce's problem was blatantly obvious and glaringly simple! He simply has low self esteem. Here are just a few examples of Bruces behavior that led me to this conclusion:
1) Even though Bruce regularly refers to himself as a "nerd" and is usually quite proud of his nerdiness to the point that he displays it out loud as often as possible, whenever I have referred to him as a nerd he has gotten offended. When he says something particularly nerdy, like quoting an obscure comic book for instance, I would often times make a comment like "you are SUCH a nerd" with a smile on my face. I find his nerdiness endearing and cute and it's one of the things I like about him, yet when i make a comment like that Bruce either becomes silent and broody, or he becomes defensive and denies being a nerd altogether.
2) When we were together towards the end of our relationship Bruce and I didn't get to see much of each other. When he would miss me he would send me a text message saying he missed me and he loved me. When I returned the favor though Bruce would become upset. He would make comments like "oh well". He would accuse me of being clingy, needy, and whiny. He accused me of making him feel bad, and making him feel like a bad boyfriend. Of course NONE of that was intended! I was just telling the man that I loved that I loved him and missed him. It was as if Bruce didn't think anyone could possibly love him or miss him.
3) Whenever someone shares one of their accomplishments with Bruce he has to "one up it". If I told him for instance about avoiding a car accident in my car by making a difficult turning maneuver, Bruce would respond by telling me how he made that maneuver 12 times last week and that he could do that in his sleep! Anytime anyone share something with Bruce that he can't "one up" he will simply state that he "doesn't care about that" and try to change the subject. It is as if he has a constant need to prove himself and to impress people.
4) Bruce has a nasty scar on his stomach from when he had surgery. Someone at his work once told him that it was disgusting, and ever since he has felt the need to hide it by keeping his upper body covered at ALL times.
5) Bruce used to be a little on the chubby side. He was never really fat, but rather chubby. A few years ago he started working out and cutting back on drinking soda. He dropped weight shockingly fast, so fast that his best friend and mother were concerned for his health. By the time that he stopped losing weight he was skinny enough to fit into his 16 year old sisters pants. Bruce has made comments towards me about how he doesn't understand why I find him attractive, that I wouldn't like him if he was still "fat" and he often times seems ashamed of the way he looked back then.
6) Anytime a girl hits on him it makes him uncomfortable. It is almost as if he doesn't comprehend why a woman would want to have sex with him. He responds by asking her why she likes him, why him, and any number of other similar questions.

Taking all of this into account, and knowing what I know about Bruce and about psychology, I am fairly certain that Bruce has low self esteem. I don't think that he thinks that he is "worth it" and I find this incredibly disturbing as it is a self fulfilling prophecy for Bruce. The minute he starts to think that he's not worth it he starts to lose respect for the woman who likes him simply BECAUSE she likes him. This leads him to lose interest in the relationship and behave like someone who ISN'T worth it. Bruce and I may have our issues, but at the end of the day he is a good person who deserves some happiness! I just hope he figures that out sooner rather than later.

I'm WAY too forgiving!

As a child I was a nerd. I was unpopular because I didn't fit in with the other children in the area, and I didn't have the energy to take care of my physical appearance. I enjoyed things like fantasy, and debate while other children were into Britney Spears and the Real World. I finally started to come into my own in college, but because I wasn't so easy to get along with when I was younger I learned to treasure my friends. Sure, I know that people are going to come in and out of my life without warning, but that doesn't make it easier for me when it does happen. Recently it's been much worse though...

1. A bunch of my friends from college pretty much completely stopped talking to me, or simply seemed to disappear. They would get together with one another, and fail to invite me.

2. Last October my best friend moved to Europe for grad school. She came back for about a month for christmas, but I haven't seen her since.

3. All of my friends from high school now have boyfriends and are in long term relationships. They never have time for me, they barely even speak to me anymore.

4. In December of 2011, Kamil, who had been one of my best friends since 2008 decided he never wanted to speak to me ever again. I literally haven't heard a word from him since. I still don't know why he did this... most of my friends think it's because of Bruce.

5. A bunch of my friends I'd been spending time with recently dropped off the face of the earth for no apparent reason and without warning. I've barely spoken to any of them since.

6. In January Bruce dumped me in a text message, by March he had pretty much decided he didn't like me at all, and by May he told me he never wanted to speak to me again. From June until August he was only interested in me when he was drunk and horny, and for a good 2 weeks in August he was just a straight up ass hole to me. Lately though we've been getting along for the most part.

7. Over the summer one of my best friends went to Washington for a month. It really really sucked not having her around.

8. Today I found out that Tom has gone and unfriended me on facebook without warning, without telling me why, without even talking to me about it. I thought that he was my friend, but right now I feel extremely betrayed.

9. Kyle, Arben, and Mark all straight up used me for sex. Even though each one of them had told me they were interested in dating. They are liars. I have no problem with casual sex as long as both parties know the deal. Liars on the other hand are ass holes. It's hard to trust another person after being treated the way they treated me.

All in all, in each and everyone of these instances I was betrayed, forgotten, hurt, backstabbed, and/or downright insulted and disrespected. Yet, I find myself willing to forgive most of these people because I care about them. In some cases I even love them. A lot of people after being treated the way I have been would walk away forever, but not me. Whenever someone wrongs me all I can think about is why they did what they did, and how upset they must have been with me to push them to such drastic actions. I for sure have abandonment issues, and even though I don't have huge trouble making friends I still have a fear of losing all of my friends, but mostly I think that once I've decided that I enjoy someone's company for whatever reason, I want to keep them in my life. Even if they can sometimes cause drama, even if they can sometimes be an ass hole or a bitch. If other people could forgive me then I can in turn do the same. In the end though that will most likely be my downfall.

I'm sorry, but people suck!

Today after a very long and difficult day of dealing with the local government and their ridiculous bureaucracy I found myself on Facebook. All day I had to deal with people giving me the run around, dodging my questions, and expecting me to pay fines I had not incurred. Then I went on facebook. What did I learn?? I learned that Tom, someone I considered a good friend had gone an "unfriended" me for no good reason. Sure, last week we had an argument because he had gotten a friend of mine super drunk and then basically told her he never wanted to see her again and I scolded him for that but who wouldn't??!! After everything that Kamil, who dropped off the face of the earth never to be heard from again in 2011, and Bruce, who told me in May he never wanted to speak to me again not that that lasted very long, have put me through I did NOT need this! It is incredibly upsetting when someone you have spent all summer protecting and defending does something like this to you without warning. Someone you've gone out of you're way to be friends with, to help, someone you've been intimate with, someone you share a good chunk of mutual friends with, that you have similar interests with, and that without the involvement of some nasty mutual acquaintances who can't keep their mouth shut would still be your friend!!!! If I have learned anything in my lifetime, it is that hearsay should be ignored at ALL costs! Apparently Tom never learned that! So instead of helping me with my governmental issues, instead of just apologizing to our mutual friend, instead of just getting along with everyone he had to go and cause drama again! I reemed him out via text, but I don't know if he got those texts since it's possible he blocked my number. All I know is that I am VERY hurt and confused, and I don't know who to trust anymore. I've lost WAY too many friends in the past year.