Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I'm WAY too forgiving!

As a child I was a nerd. I was unpopular because I didn't fit in with the other children in the area, and I didn't have the energy to take care of my physical appearance. I enjoyed things like fantasy, and debate while other children were into Britney Spears and the Real World. I finally started to come into my own in college, but because I wasn't so easy to get along with when I was younger I learned to treasure my friends. Sure, I know that people are going to come in and out of my life without warning, but that doesn't make it easier for me when it does happen. Recently it's been much worse though...

1. A bunch of my friends from college pretty much completely stopped talking to me, or simply seemed to disappear. They would get together with one another, and fail to invite me.

2. Last October my best friend moved to Europe for grad school. She came back for about a month for christmas, but I haven't seen her since.

3. All of my friends from high school now have boyfriends and are in long term relationships. They never have time for me, they barely even speak to me anymore.

4. In December of 2011, Kamil, who had been one of my best friends since 2008 decided he never wanted to speak to me ever again. I literally haven't heard a word from him since. I still don't know why he did this... most of my friends think it's because of Bruce.

5. A bunch of my friends I'd been spending time with recently dropped off the face of the earth for no apparent reason and without warning. I've barely spoken to any of them since.

6. In January Bruce dumped me in a text message, by March he had pretty much decided he didn't like me at all, and by May he told me he never wanted to speak to me again. From June until August he was only interested in me when he was drunk and horny, and for a good 2 weeks in August he was just a straight up ass hole to me. Lately though we've been getting along for the most part.

7. Over the summer one of my best friends went to Washington for a month. It really really sucked not having her around.

8. Today I found out that Tom has gone and unfriended me on facebook without warning, without telling me why, without even talking to me about it. I thought that he was my friend, but right now I feel extremely betrayed.

9. Kyle, Arben, and Mark all straight up used me for sex. Even though each one of them had told me they were interested in dating. They are liars. I have no problem with casual sex as long as both parties know the deal. Liars on the other hand are ass holes. It's hard to trust another person after being treated the way they treated me.

All in all, in each and everyone of these instances I was betrayed, forgotten, hurt, backstabbed, and/or downright insulted and disrespected. Yet, I find myself willing to forgive most of these people because I care about them. In some cases I even love them. A lot of people after being treated the way I have been would walk away forever, but not me. Whenever someone wrongs me all I can think about is why they did what they did, and how upset they must have been with me to push them to such drastic actions. I for sure have abandonment issues, and even though I don't have huge trouble making friends I still have a fear of losing all of my friends, but mostly I think that once I've decided that I enjoy someone's company for whatever reason, I want to keep them in my life. Even if they can sometimes cause drama, even if they can sometimes be an ass hole or a bitch. If other people could forgive me then I can in turn do the same. In the end though that will most likely be my downfall.


  1. Apparently, you seem to be the only one with a lot of time to hang with friends while others are moving along with their lives. :S

    1. For me its more that I make time to spend with my friends because that is important to me. For others it is less important.

  2. I've noticed for a very long time, that people will simply come and go. They are there in your life for a moment of time, drifting through. The good ones stick around, try to stick around hard, but most don't. I've been through so many friends in my life, I'm lucky to remember the ones that I do. Each one was important in their own way. Mostly I was there in their life to fix something, make their lives better, and when I was done, I was left and forgotten about.

    Its just something you have to come to terms with and accept. Trust me, the best ones will always make an attempt and stick around, but more often than not, the best ones are not the ones you think they are.