About a month ago I felt like my whole life was falling apart. My car had been stolen, I had no idea how I was going to get to work, Bruce had a new girlfriend, and even though he and I were over a LONG time ago it still sucked that he had someone in his life and I didn't, Tom decided he didn't want to be my friend anymore, and it seemed like no matter how hard I tried to get on top of things in my life I could never seem to turn things around. Wow! Was I wrong!
1) I got news on September 3rd that my car had finally been found and had in fact been sitting in an impound lot for the past 2 weeks. This meant I wasn't going to have to spend $4,000 on a down payment for a new car. While my car was missing State Farm handled everything! They paid for my car rental, they paid for my car to be removed from the impound lot, they went over the damage to see what needed to be fixed and then they towed my car to the dealership to fix it and wrote me a check! I don't know what I'd have done without them though... I know it's cheezy, but State Farm really was there like a good neighbor.
2) After my car was stolen everyone was really great about it. People I barely knew were coming up to me and offering sympathy. In some cases they even offered to help me! This really gave me some new faith in the world!
3) Bruce's new girlfriend dumped him before the month was out. I'm not surprised by this as I know how difficult it is to be in a relationship with him first hand. The funny part is that not long after Bruce started dating his new girlfriend I actually started to like that he was no longer single. He was still going out of his way to contact me, but he was contacting me about real things rather than just trying to get laid. It was like we were actually becoming friends again. Since Bruce was dumped things between us have been great! It's almost as if the last year didn't happen and we're friends like we we're before. The only real difference is that we both know that we're attracted to the other and so we will on occasion drop one another a drunk sext. lol :)
4) I started talking to Bill not a week after Bruce started dating his new girlfriend. I started dating Bill literally 2 days after my car was stolen. I have truly enjoyed Bill's company and I'm glad that we are still dating. He is on vacation this week and I miss him. I wasn't sure that I would, but I do. I'm really starting to like him a lot. He isn't practically a male model like Mark or Arben, and I don't have that insane passion with him that I had with Bruce or Kamil, but I have a feeling that I probably won't be single much longer :)
5) I miss having Tom as a friend, but hopefully he will one day be willing to speak to me again, and maybe hang out. Until then though my life has been SOOOO much easier without all of his drama!
Through all of this I've learned a lot about myself... I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought, and more prepared for tragedy than I thought. I've learned that I do have good friends who care for me and will be there for me when I need them. I've learned that Bruce isn't going anywhere, and I'm okay with that. I've learned that I care for him a great deal as a friend and in the end I just want him to be happy with me or without me. I've learned that being single can be fun, but that I don't have to be single forever. I've learned that I deserve a good guy who is going to treat me right, and who is all about ME. The last month has been tough, but I'm glad that I dealt with everything because it has made it SOOO worth it!
Showing posts with label Kamil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kamil. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Drunken clarity
After a few glasses of wine I know this much: 1) I really like Bill, and I think if I let him in we might get to have a real relationship, but I'm not sure I'm ready to let my guard down. 2) I still have some feelings for Bruce. They will probably dissipate the closer I get to Bill just like my feelings for Kamil dissipated as I got closer to Bruce, but because Bruce was my first real love I don't know if they'll ever fully dissipate. 3) Bruce is single again, however he is currently sick (ironically the same as last year) and he still likes to go MIA. I sometimes wonder if my attraction to Bruce is more physical now than anything else. 4) Tom still isn't speaking to me. This would bother me less if we didn't have a whole bunch of mutual friends, and I didn't miss just chilling with him. I never thought of him as anything more than a friend, but since someone tried to convince him otherwise I guess I'm SOL.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Passion
Passion can be a wonderful thing. I'm a passionate person, and sometimes when I let it overwhelm me it can rive me to do things I need to do that I wouldn't otherwise have an easy time doing. I've always been proud of my passion for the things in my life, and looked down on others who didn't have the same passion for things in their lives.
Lately though since I've been seeing Bill I've wondered whether passion may actually be a BAD thing in a relationship. I'd being lying to myself if I said that my passion didn't come between Bruce and I. I'd also being lying if I said we we'ren't passionate about each other. From the moment we first kissed up until the present there has been an underlying attraction, and passion between the both of us that seems just completely unwilling to die. Kamil and I had a similar passion, but he completely cut ties with me for whatever reason (I still don't know). That same passion though is the reason that I think that Bruce can't let me go. I've tried to push him out of my life, but thats easier said then done especially because we used to be friends. Lately we've been getting along which has been nice.
I guess my point is that I don't have that same passion for Bill. When he kisses me its very nice and sweet, and I love it when he puts his arm around me. I'm not sure that I'm ready to sleep with him though. I don't know if that's because I was burned by Kyle and Arben (and to a certain extent Bruce and Tom) or if it's because I'm nervous. Which is weird.... I'm usually not nervous. I guess I'm worried that I'll be disappointed, or he'll be disappointed. I can tell he really likes me because he's always offering to meet up with me, and if things keep going the way they are going I'm going to have a bonafied boyfriend soon, yet I'm still nervous.
I guess I've always had this issue.... I didn't know I even liked Bruce in a sexual way till we made out at a dance club. I didn't know I liked Arben or Kyle that way till they kissed me. I didn't know I liked Kamil that way until he picked me up and carried me into our friends bed room, and so on and so forth.
I usually figure out how much I like someone after they kiss me, or we make out, or we have sex. It's just been difficult because Bill isn't a traditionally handsom guy, but he IS amazingly sweet! When he kisses me it's nice. I'm don't feel like ripping his clothes off, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm counting down till it's over either. All of this is just WAY too confusing. I guess in the end that is the advantage to passion. When you have passion there is no question. Maybe that's why in this case passion may be the enemy?
Lately though since I've been seeing Bill I've wondered whether passion may actually be a BAD thing in a relationship. I'd being lying to myself if I said that my passion didn't come between Bruce and I. I'd also being lying if I said we we'ren't passionate about each other. From the moment we first kissed up until the present there has been an underlying attraction, and passion between the both of us that seems just completely unwilling to die. Kamil and I had a similar passion, but he completely cut ties with me for whatever reason (I still don't know). That same passion though is the reason that I think that Bruce can't let me go. I've tried to push him out of my life, but thats easier said then done especially because we used to be friends. Lately we've been getting along which has been nice.
I guess my point is that I don't have that same passion for Bill. When he kisses me its very nice and sweet, and I love it when he puts his arm around me. I'm not sure that I'm ready to sleep with him though. I don't know if that's because I was burned by Kyle and Arben (and to a certain extent Bruce and Tom) or if it's because I'm nervous. Which is weird.... I'm usually not nervous. I guess I'm worried that I'll be disappointed, or he'll be disappointed. I can tell he really likes me because he's always offering to meet up with me, and if things keep going the way they are going I'm going to have a bonafied boyfriend soon, yet I'm still nervous.
I guess I've always had this issue.... I didn't know I even liked Bruce in a sexual way till we made out at a dance club. I didn't know I liked Arben or Kyle that way till they kissed me. I didn't know I liked Kamil that way until he picked me up and carried me into our friends bed room, and so on and so forth.
I usually figure out how much I like someone after they kiss me, or we make out, or we have sex. It's just been difficult because Bill isn't a traditionally handsom guy, but he IS amazingly sweet! When he kisses me it's nice. I'm don't feel like ripping his clothes off, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm counting down till it's over either. All of this is just WAY too confusing. I guess in the end that is the advantage to passion. When you have passion there is no question. Maybe that's why in this case passion may be the enemy?
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I'm WAY too forgiving!
As a child I was a nerd. I was unpopular because I didn't fit in with the other children in the area, and I didn't have the energy to take care of my physical appearance. I enjoyed things like fantasy, and debate while other children were into Britney Spears and the Real World. I finally started to come into my own in college, but because I wasn't so easy to get along with when I was younger I learned to treasure my friends. Sure, I know that people are going to come in and out of my life without warning, but that doesn't make it easier for me when it does happen. Recently it's been much worse though...
1. A bunch of my friends from college pretty much completely stopped talking to me, or simply seemed to disappear. They would get together with one another, and fail to invite me.
2. Last October my best friend moved to Europe for grad school. She came back for about a month for christmas, but I haven't seen her since.
3. All of my friends from high school now have boyfriends and are in long term relationships. They never have time for me, they barely even speak to me anymore.
4. In December of 2011, Kamil, who had been one of my best friends since 2008 decided he never wanted to speak to me ever again. I literally haven't heard a word from him since. I still don't know why he did this... most of my friends think it's because of Bruce.
5. A bunch of my friends I'd been spending time with recently dropped off the face of the earth for no apparent reason and without warning. I've barely spoken to any of them since.
6. In January Bruce dumped me in a text message, by March he had pretty much decided he didn't like me at all, and by May he told me he never wanted to speak to me again. From June until August he was only interested in me when he was drunk and horny, and for a good 2 weeks in August he was just a straight up ass hole to me. Lately though we've been getting along for the most part.
7. Over the summer one of my best friends went to Washington for a month. It really really sucked not having her around.
8. Today I found out that Tom has gone and unfriended me on facebook without warning, without telling me why, without even talking to me about it. I thought that he was my friend, but right now I feel extremely betrayed.
9. Kyle, Arben, and Mark all straight up used me for sex. Even though each one of them had told me they were interested in dating. They are liars. I have no problem with casual sex as long as both parties know the deal. Liars on the other hand are ass holes. It's hard to trust another person after being treated the way they treated me.
All in all, in each and everyone of these instances I was betrayed, forgotten, hurt, backstabbed, and/or downright insulted and disrespected. Yet, I find myself willing to forgive most of these people because I care about them. In some cases I even love them. A lot of people after being treated the way I have been would walk away forever, but not me. Whenever someone wrongs me all I can think about is why they did what they did, and how upset they must have been with me to push them to such drastic actions. I for sure have abandonment issues, and even though I don't have huge trouble making friends I still have a fear of losing all of my friends, but mostly I think that once I've decided that I enjoy someone's company for whatever reason, I want to keep them in my life. Even if they can sometimes cause drama, even if they can sometimes be an ass hole or a bitch. If other people could forgive me then I can in turn do the same. In the end though that will most likely be my downfall.
1. A bunch of my friends from college pretty much completely stopped talking to me, or simply seemed to disappear. They would get together with one another, and fail to invite me.
2. Last October my best friend moved to Europe for grad school. She came back for about a month for christmas, but I haven't seen her since.
3. All of my friends from high school now have boyfriends and are in long term relationships. They never have time for me, they barely even speak to me anymore.
4. In December of 2011, Kamil, who had been one of my best friends since 2008 decided he never wanted to speak to me ever again. I literally haven't heard a word from him since. I still don't know why he did this... most of my friends think it's because of Bruce.
5. A bunch of my friends I'd been spending time with recently dropped off the face of the earth for no apparent reason and without warning. I've barely spoken to any of them since.
6. In January Bruce dumped me in a text message, by March he had pretty much decided he didn't like me at all, and by May he told me he never wanted to speak to me again. From June until August he was only interested in me when he was drunk and horny, and for a good 2 weeks in August he was just a straight up ass hole to me. Lately though we've been getting along for the most part.
7. Over the summer one of my best friends went to Washington for a month. It really really sucked not having her around.
8. Today I found out that Tom has gone and unfriended me on facebook without warning, without telling me why, without even talking to me about it. I thought that he was my friend, but right now I feel extremely betrayed.
9. Kyle, Arben, and Mark all straight up used me for sex. Even though each one of them had told me they were interested in dating. They are liars. I have no problem with casual sex as long as both parties know the deal. Liars on the other hand are ass holes. It's hard to trust another person after being treated the way they treated me.
All in all, in each and everyone of these instances I was betrayed, forgotten, hurt, backstabbed, and/or downright insulted and disrespected. Yet, I find myself willing to forgive most of these people because I care about them. In some cases I even love them. A lot of people after being treated the way I have been would walk away forever, but not me. Whenever someone wrongs me all I can think about is why they did what they did, and how upset they must have been with me to push them to such drastic actions. I for sure have abandonment issues, and even though I don't have huge trouble making friends I still have a fear of losing all of my friends, but mostly I think that once I've decided that I enjoy someone's company for whatever reason, I want to keep them in my life. Even if they can sometimes cause drama, even if they can sometimes be an ass hole or a bitch. If other people could forgive me then I can in turn do the same. In the end though that will most likely be my downfall.
I'm sorry, but people suck!
Today after a very long and difficult day of dealing with the local government and their ridiculous bureaucracy I found myself on Facebook. All day I had to deal with people giving me the run around, dodging my questions, and expecting me to pay fines I had not incurred. Then I went on facebook. What did I learn?? I learned that Tom, someone I considered a good friend had gone an "unfriended" me for no good reason. Sure, last week we had an argument because he had gotten a friend of mine super drunk and then basically told her he never wanted to see her again and I scolded him for that but who wouldn't??!! After everything that Kamil, who dropped off the face of the earth never to be heard from again in 2011, and Bruce, who told me in May he never wanted to speak to me again not that that lasted very long, have put me through I did NOT need this! It is incredibly upsetting when someone you have spent all summer protecting and defending does something like this to you without warning. Someone you've gone out of you're way to be friends with, to help, someone you've been intimate with, someone you share a good chunk of mutual friends with, that you have similar interests with, and that without the involvement of some nasty mutual acquaintances who can't keep their mouth shut would still be your friend!!!! If I have learned anything in my lifetime, it is that hearsay should be ignored at ALL costs! Apparently Tom never learned that! So instead of helping me with my governmental issues, instead of just apologizing to our mutual friend, instead of just getting along with everyone he had to go and cause drama again! I reemed him out via text, but I don't know if he got those texts since it's possible he blocked my number. All I know is that I am VERY hurt and confused, and I don't know who to trust anymore. I've lost WAY too many friends in the past year.
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