Friday, August 31, 2012

Why don't I hate you?

The more I think about it the more I realize that I am WAY too forgiving of a person. Growing up I was rather bossy and out spoken and awkward so I had a harder time making friends. I often got teased at school and I always felt like a social out cast. There were a few people in my life though that came along and were patient with me. They saw in me what I see today.

Because of that I always tend to seethe best in people, to give them the benefit of the doubt. Which is probably why the men in my life like Bruce and Kamil have gotten away with treating me the way that they have. It's not that I'm not strong, or that I feel like I NEED them, its that I CARE about them and I have a very large capacity for forgiveness. I just hope that this time around forgiving Bruce doesn't bite me in the ass!

Sexting with my ex

So last night the guy I've been going out with really wanted to do something with me, but I was just way too tired and went home. After having a few glasses of wine it finally hit me and I was just SUPER horny. All I could think about was how badly I wanted to have sex and how long it has been since I've had sex (over a month). Since my ex had texted me the night before about how horny he was I thought that he would be the perfect person to share my frustration with. The reason I did not text the guy I was going out with is because he is a very very sweet guy, and I really like him and I don't want to be too forward with him. Every time I've been forward with a guy in the past it has back fired.

Like I said in my last post my ex is in a complicated situation with his most recent girlfriend where he isn't sure if he is single or not. I was mostly just looking to vent my frustration to him, but he actually turned it into a competition to see if I could make him horny. It was really nice getting back to the usual banter I have with Bruce, we haven't had that in a long time, and I miss that. I enjoyed the competition and sent him a few naughty videos before finally giving up. I'd never had any real intention of going over to his place to hook up because I was WAY too tired and had to be up early for work, but it was still fun to just mess around via text.

The only confusing part about the whole thing is that Bruce was A) all too willing to have a sexually explicit conversation and/or even have sex with me even though he is unsure whether or not he has a girlfriend, and B) he seemed very upset at the idea of being the "other man" in my life. This is particularly interesting because he has been the "other man" several times in the past, including with a friend of his that was cheating on a future friend of mine. Does this means he still has feelings for me? Is his experience with this new woman and the effect of time making him regret leaving me? If he asked me to get back together would I say yes? Especially now that there is someone in my life that may at some point by my boyfriend if everything goes well? Would it be worth it to take him back?

While most of me realizes that getting back with Bruce would be an incredibly STUPID idea, there is still a part of me that wonders if we could have made things work. After all there were a lot of factors in our break up that had nothing to do with our compatibility as a couple, but were just really bad circumstance and timing issues and as they say "the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person." I know that I still care for Bruce, but do I still love him like that? Could I? Even after everything that he's said and done? Could he still love me? I imagine that these are questions that I'll probably never know the answer to, but they are still there in the back of my mind everyday confusing the hell out of me.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

My Pregnancy Scare: aka why I'm pro-choice

Earlier this year I did not get a period because the birth control I had been on kept me from getting one. For four months after the birth control was supposed to wear off I STILL didn't get a period. About 2 months into that I started to think I was pregnant. I'd only had sex with two guys that could have gotten me pregnant in that time one being Bruce, and the other was Tom. I was fairly certain it wasn't Tom because he had never gotten off, and it was too recent. Eventually after a few weeks of worrying about it I finally told Bruce. I then went to the grocery store and got a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I was VERY relieved!

The thing of it is is that Bruce and I had talked about what we were going to do if I got pregnant in the past. We were always extra careful, but accidents happen and we wanted to be prepared. Due to the fact that we were both 23 and lived at home, and had almost no money we knew that neither one of us could afford to have a baby, so that would have left abortion or adoption, but at least for Bruce adoption was never going to be an option.

Bruce has a genetic disorder that when it flares up causes him to be in serious physical pain for months at a time. The first time it flared up when he was a child he was in immense pain for months and then finally had to have surgery to fix it. That surgery almost killed him. He coded on the operating table, and while they were able to resuscitate him, it did some long term damage to his longs which is why second hand smoke could actually kill him. He was in remission for years before it flared up again. This time medicine had advanced far enough that they could fix the problem rather easily, but it still took months during which he was on very strong painkillers. The surgery it took to fix him had a ridiculously high chance of killing him. The genetic disorder Bruce has has a 98% chance of being passed on to any children he has and he doesn't want to make anyone else have to go through what he went through.

Between Bruce's disorder, and the fact that I was not ready to have children the decision was a no-brainer, but that didn't make it easy. I still loved Bruce a lot and the idea of killing one of our children was not an easy one to swallow. At the end of the day though I respected Bruce's opinion on the matter. I know there are other women out there like me who have had to actually make that decision. I respect that for them even more now that I've almost had to make it myself. This is just one of the MANY reasons I firmly believe in a woman's right to choose.

Confusion abounds!

After my ex Bruce and I broke up we tried to be friends, but because we both agreed that we were still attracted to one another it was always more of a "friends with benefits" sort of thing. During that time Bruce and I spent a lot of time fighting with each other on and off mostly because we still had a lot of unresolved issues left over from our relationship. Part of the problem is that when Bruce gets angry or upset he would rather ignore the issue and try to rationalize it away, while I would rather confront the issue head on so that I can move on. Due to Bruce's unwillingness to confront his issues with me many of our issues continued to be a problem for months. By the time May rolled around Bruce got so angry that he told me that he was never going to speak to me again. A month and a half later, on a random night in June, I get a text message from Bruce asking why he can't get me out of his head when he is drunk. I used that as an in and we started talking again, although this time it was mostly sexting and the occasional hook up. One August Sunday night Bruce had told me that if I sent him a sexy video that we could hook up on Tuesday night. I sent him the video, and so that Tuesday I was planning on hooking up with him. In the middle of the day Bruce just goes and drops the bomb on me that he has a new girlfriend! I was shocked, and hurt, and confused.

A few weeks later Bruce and I had another fight because I felt that he was being disrespectful towards me. Bruce essentially told me that he doesn't respect me and so I was very hurt and angry. I sent him a message saying that I was done with his disrespect and unless he learned to respect me I wasn't going to speak to him again. Bruce didn't respond. I didn't hear anything from him until last Friday night when he told me he was drunk and horny and asked if I wanted to hook up. The next day I was SO angry at him that I threatened to show all his friends the incriminating photos I had of him if he didn't stop treating me with disrespect! This time Bruce responded VERY quickly. He apologized profusely and explained that he had been dumped by his new girlfriend that night. We agreed to let by gones be by gones and start over from scratch.

On Monday night after I'd had a few too many glasses of wine and was extremely horny I texted Bruce to ask him if we were back to doing the whole "Friends with benefits" thing since he'd been dumped. He replied that he didn't know if he was back on the market or not because apparently the new girlfriend had him very confused as to what she wanted. I told him that he should just ask her. Then last night he sent me a text message telling me that he was very drunk and very horny, but doesn't know whether or not he is in a committed relationship. Once again I told him to ASK HER.

Obviously Bruce is very confused as to whether or not he is in a committed relationship with this girl, but honestly I think that if he really wanted to be with her he would be with her. He wouldn't be texting me about how horny he is if she was the one that he wanted. He would be texting her! I actually kind of feel bad for him in a way because he tends to jump into relationships to quickly because he is lonely. At the end of the day Bruce is a nice guy, and he doesn't deserve to be taken advantage of. I guess I have to admit that I do have an interest in this because I'd like to have my sexting buddy back, but I also have someone new in my life that I've been going out with and I don't know how much longer I'll be single.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Suck on that!

Towards the end of our relationship Bruce was always going around telling me about how clingy I am. He told me that because I kept saying that I missed him, and I would invite him to come along when I went out with my friends that I was clingy. This is something that has always bothered me because at the time I was worried that he was right because I was in love with him and would have believed anything he said. Overtime I came to realize that I was right at the time and he was wrong. He was calling me clingy because he felt bad about blowing me off, and he took the things that I was saying to him about missing him and such as some sort of judgement rather than the simple admission that I was missing the man I loved. Today I found a test online to determine how clingy you are. After everything that happened with Bruce I was naturally curious to see what my results would be. As it turns out the quiz confirmed what I already new. I'm NOT clingy. This is just yet another thing that goes onto the list of things that Bruce was wrong about when it came to our relationship.

Is August just my lucky month?

Last August I was at a friends birthday party when my best friend decided to hijack my phone and invite Bruce (our mutual friend at the time) to the club we were at. Amazingly he showed up, and he and I ended up making out the whole night. A few weeks later he was officially my boyfriends, and by october we were very much in love. Of course things got difficult after that with the holidays and everything, and by the 2nd week of January we broke up. Since them all I've encountered in the daring world has been ass hole after ass hole.
Earlier this month I was heartbroken when Bruce told me he had a new girlfriend (for a variety of reasons, but that's it's own post), and until last week I'd mostly given up on dating. However last week on Tuesday I went out with a guy I let online. He was really nice, and funny and I had a good time. I went out with him again on Friday and again he was nice and funny and the perfect gentleman. Tonight was our third date. He is officially the first guy I've met online who hasn't tried to push me into having sex right away. He seems like a really great guy, and for the first time in months I find myself wondering if I've found someone worth dating. :) maybe August is just a good month for me?

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

History is in the past, but sometimes it comes creeping back!

Since I've decided to start blogging about my crazy life I decided it would be a good idea to sit down and spell out all of the men in my history so that I don't forget. I think looking back on my history with men may actually help me learn more about myself. I saw someone do this on and I really liked the idea, so now its my turn.

My Sexual History:

1) The guy from the dance club... aka my first kiss
Age: 17 Date: November 2005
When I was a senior in high school my parents had to go out of town for a weekend when I had to work. Since they were going out of town and would have no idea where I was at I decided I would go to the dance club they had expressly forbidden me to go to with my friends. I'd always wanted to go there so that weekend I went. This guy from what I remember was a bigger hispanic guy. He came up and started dancing with me and as inexperienced as I was I had no idea what to do to get rid of him. I also was 17 and desperately didn't want to go to college without being kissed! From what I remember he was a terrible kisser! He kept biting my lips really hard and used a lot of tongue. We made out for a while on the dance floor and then I finally managed to ditch him. Honestly I don't even remember his name.

2) Matt
Age:18 Date: Spring 2006
Later on that year I met Matt because he was in my gym class. Originally we had made plans to go rock climbing with two of our other friends but they bailed so we ended up going to a movie together. He started holding my hand during the movie and then a few days later asked to be my boyfriend. Matt was a sophomore and I was a senior and I desperately wanted a date for prom, so even though I didn't really like him that much I tolerated his presence in my life. At prom it was a nightmare. First he got sick that weekend and almost didn't make it, then at dinner he threatened to stab my best friends date with a butter knife, on the dance floor he kept leaning on my making it hard for me to dance, and finally towards the end when he decided to make out with me he basically was just sucking my face. Needless to say it was one embarrassing night, and I made an effort to avoid him from then on. I basically broke up with him by disappearing since I was going away to school the next fall.

Age: 21 Date: Summer: 2009
Adam was a guy I met at a dance club while I was on vacation. He was the first guy to ever finger me. I thought he was really hot. We'd actually met him on the train and then he joined us at the club. He asked me out after, but I declined since I was only going to be in town a few more days and I was going to be very busy.

Age: 22 Date: April 2010
Kamil was someone whom I'd known for a while and had been friends with for over a year. We were very close friends and hung out a lot. A lot of our friends liked to joke that we were going to end up getting married one day. On the night of my 22nd Birthday party we both got very drunk and my friends convinced him to pick me up and carry me into the bedroom. We started making out. I was shocked because contrary to what everyone else kept telling me I thought for sure he didn't find me attractive. I ended up giving him a blow job and we started having sex but the condom broke so we stopped. It was really awkward because our friends were right outside and because I had my period at the time. We cleared everything up between us the next day and we remained friends for almost two more years before he decided never to speak to me again. There were a couple other times that we hooked up leading to blow jobs or hand jobs, but that was it. In the end I think he was in love with me, but thought we could never be together because of our different backgrounds. I really liked Kamil, and considered him a good friend.

Age: 22 Date: Spring/Summer 2010
John was a friend of mine that I'd known for a while. I used to hang out with him and Kamil on a regular basis. One night I had John and Kamil over for "Margarita night" and after Kamil and I were significantly drunk Kamil convinced me to give John a hand job. Later on that night John and I made out a bit. A week later John and I were hanging out and he proposed that we be "friends with benefits" I had started to become more sexually curious after my 22nd birthday incident so I agreed. The only requirement was that we never had intercourse. We hooked up a few times in the spring/summer. The whole time we successfully hid it from Kamil. One night the three of us were at a party at my friends house and John and I went outside and started hooking up and while we were naked two of my friends came out looking for me and caught us in the act. One of those friends had a major crush on me and proceeded to go inside and tell everyone including Kamil. I only saw John maybe once after this at an event for a mutual friend.

Age: 22 Date: Summer 2010
Nevzat and I had been friends for about a year when I invited him and some of my other friends over for a small party. During the party I became upset with Kamil and our friend Dan. I was partially upset because Dan had a crush on me and was very drunk so he kept hitting on me which I found to be quite irritating. Nevzat and I went for a walk together so I could get away from Dan and we ended up hooking up. We both went down on each other, but we didn't have sex because we didn't have a condom and I wasn't on birth control. We made out on one other occasion 2 years later, but that was it. I am still friends with Nevzat.

Age:22 Dates: August 2010, January 2011, July 2011, June 2012
Dan is a friend that I've known since 2008. We went to school together and have many mutual friends. Dan has issues reading people and therefore can be very annoying from time to time. In Fall of 2009 he developed a crush on me that just wouldn't die. We hooked up a few times and had sex twice. I am still friends with Dan.

Age: 23 Dates: August 2011-August 2012
Bruce was my first real boyfriend and my first love. We were friends for almost a year before we actually started dating. We dated for four months before Bruce broke up with me in a text message. Since then we have tried to be friends which hasn't always worked so well, and we have had sex several times. Currently I am still friends with Bruce.

9)Weed guy
Age: 24 Date: Early January 2012
The night that Bruce dumped me I was at a friends going away party and ended up making out with weed guy. I call him that because he reeked of weed. I gave him a hand job and we probably would have had sex except I had no condom.

10) Tom
Age: 24 Dates: January-July 2012
Tom was a friend of mine that one day after we'd known each other about a year suggested that we be "friends with benefits" I'd just been dumped by Bruce and needed a self esteem boost so I agreed. We hooked up a few times including one the one night we had a threesome. Tom is still my friend.

11) Irina
Age: 24 Date: March 2012
Irina is a friend and she and I decided one night we wanted to have a threesome with Tom. We did. We made out that night and I fingered her.

12) Kyle
Age 24 Date: April 2012
Kyle was the first guy that I met online that I ended up hooking up with. He was a few years older than me and had gone to my high school. Kyle and I made out on the first date. He was a good kisser. On our second date we gave each other oral sex, and on the third we had intercourse. He had promised before our third date that if we had sex he wasn't going to just disappear. That is exactly what he did.

13) Michelle
Age: 24 Date: June 2012
Michelle is the friend of a friend. We went out with our mutual friend one night and because I was too drunk to drive I ended up staying at her place. I don't know how it happened but we ended up making out. I fingered her. We still hang out from time to time with our mutual friends.

14) Mark
Age: 24 Date: June 2012
Mark is another guy I met online. We went on one date, and because I was somewhat drunk and super horny we ended up having sex. We agreed to go on another date at the time and still texted one another from time to time after that, but we never did go on that second date.

15) Arben
Age: 24 Date: June 2012
Arben is another guy that I met online. We ended up making out and hooking up on the first date and having sex on the second. Arben was younger than I was and was very sexually charged. We dated for about a month before he decided he just wasn't that in to me and broke things off. Arben was the first guy since Bruce that I'd actually seriously considered dating.

16) Army guy
Age: 24 Date: July 2012
I met army guy at a bar that I went to with Irina. Army guy was there with his friend. We ended up going on an adventure that led to Army guy and I having sex while Irina had sex with Army guys friend. This is the only true one night stand I've ever had.

Total people I've kissed: 16
Total people I've had oral with: 9
Total people I've had sex with: 8
Total ratio Men to women I've kissed: 14:2
Total people I've dated: 4
Total times I've been in love: 1

Why I'm a Proud Liberal Slut

I'd imagine that some people would be shocked that I would refer to myself as a Proud Liberal Slut, but I have a very good reason for it! One being that I am a proud liberal, but the other being that conservatives like to go around calling women who take birth control, or have pre-marital sex "Sluts". By their standards I am a slut, and I'm proud of it! I wouldn't have it any other way! As a twenty something trying to make my way through the dating scene it can be sometimes very frustrating as many people will try to judge your way of life. My life has been crazy and now I'm ready to share some of my crazy adventures with the world. I'm posting this blog anonymously in order to be able to be as honest and open as possible without hurting any of my friends or family members, so names, dates, or locations may have been changed to protect the innocent, but other than that everything I post on here is real! Even if it may seem crazy!