I'm afraid...

Last night I finally went to Bill's house for the first time. I went over there for "game night" with his friends. I had a lot of fun. It helped that of the three different card games we played I won all three lol. I guess I had beginners luck on my side. Bill's friends were really nice and I had a great time. I'm looking forward to going back next week. Bill also has this adorable black cat who is just the sweetest and most playful creature. I can tell that Bill is noticing that I have my walls up and I've been somewhat evasive. He is always trying to get to spend more time with me, and I feel like I'm always saying "no". I'm working on being more available to him, but it isn't easy. Not only am I super busy lately with everything, but I'm very much afraid of getting hurt.

The other issue is that I haven't slept with him yet. Usually by this point in the relationship I've already done that, and I'm afraid that sex could be an issue. Part of why I've always slept with guys early on is that I want to make sure that we're physically compatible before I invest any time getting to know them. The problem is that in the past that has almost always led to my being used. This time I was determined to do it right, so I haven't slept with him, but now I'm scared to death that if something goes wrong I'll either lose someone I've spent a lot of time with, or I'll no longer be attracted to him. I realize that I'm going to have to sleep with him soon though, because we're already boyfriend and girlfriend, I'm running out of excuses, and honestly I haven't had sex in 2 months and could really use some action.

There is one other issue I'm concerned about.... I'm not in love with Bill. Not yet anyway, and part of that is because I haven't fully brought my walls down. However, I'm beginning to be concerned that he is falling in love with me. This concerns me because it is REALLY awkward when one person says I love you and the other one doesn't say it back. When Bruce first told me that he loved me, I was pretty sure I was already in love with him too. He told me that I didn't have to say it back, but even though I'm not sure I was ready to say it back I said it anyway. I'd already accidentally texted it to him earlier that week, so I knew the feelings were there. I had just never said it before to a man so saying it was a big deal for me. I would very much like to fall in love again, but because of what happened with Bruce I know that I'm not ready for that yet. I do not want to get hurt like that again, and even though it's making me feel almost emotionally stunted to keep my walls up, emotionally stunted still feels better than heart broken.

To my fellow Liberal Sluts:

The above message is an important one that you should remember during your dating years... It's something that we tend to forget as women. So many men will try to get you to do what THEY want and to put THEM first, but we as women need to learn to fight that! No matter what anyone says or thinks about you, you ARE worth it! Just remember that the next time a guy tries to take advantage of you. If someone isn't treating you the way that you want to be treated, then it's time to say goodbye and move on because there is someone out there waiting for you who knows that you are worth it! Just keep telling yourself this because it can get hard from time to time... but that's no reason to give up, no reason to get down on yourself, and no reason to settle. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

It's amazing how things change...

Back when I was dating Bruce I got this photo in a text message from one of my friends. At the time I was very depressed because Bruce never seemed to have time for me. I'd see him once every two weeks for maybe an hour, and he refused to do anything with me for Christmas and New Years. Needless to say my friends were not pleased with him, and I was very unhappy. This was my friends way of encouraging me to finally break up with Bruce. 

Now though, I feel differently about this picture, and I even almost agree with Bruce's stance on the matter. Sometimes, you really just don't have time for someone. I really enjoy going out with Bill and spending time with him, but lately I've needed a lot more "me time" and I don't feel like staying out all night and getting no sleep just to see him. I've learned that in the long run that's crazy and it's better to make sure that I take care of myself, and my health rather than worrying about getting to spend extra time with my boyfriend. Maybe it's because I was in love with Bruce at the time and I'm not in love with Bill. I like him a lot, and there is a potential for love, but it's just not there yet. I will be interested to see how all of this pans out and how I'll feel about this same photo down the road, but for now I feel that while the sentiment is there, practicality wise sometimes you just have to be a little selfish. 

Letting people in is easier said than done.

This weekend due to my work schedule, and do to the Chicago Marathon I wasn't going to be able to go into the city and go to a dance club or a bar. Instead I spent a wonderful Friday night with Bill. He took me to Olive Garden for dinner, and then he brought me flowers :) We then went bowling, and played pool and at the end of the night he asked me to be his girlfriend. Bill really is the sweetest guy. So far from what I've seen he is everything a girl could ask for in a boyfriend. I always have a great time with him. The only thing is I think that I'm keeping my distance because I'm afraid of getting to close to him. In so many of  my other relationships, particularly with Bruce I got too attached too soon, and ended up getting hurt. I don't think Bill would hurt me like that, but I have no way of knowing for sure. The other thing is that I find myself worrying every time Bill tries to make plans with me that either he is going to fuck something up, or I am going to fuck something up. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt him just as much as I'm afraid that he's going to hurt me. I really like Bill and when I'm with him I always have a great time and enjoy his company, but the minute that were apart I find myself even avoiding him. When I was with Bruce we were practically inseperable. I looked for any oppurtunity so be with him, but with Bill, the idea of doing something with him makes me somewhat anxious, like I'm afraid he's going to pressure me into doing something I don't want, or I'll do something that I'll later regret. The thing is that Bill hasn't pressured me into anything. I've seen nothing from him to suggest that he would pressure me. Maybe I'm just losing my mind, maybe I'm damaged, maybe I'm just afraid of getting hurt again. The last time I fell in love it hurt like hell, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but at the same time I don't want to throw away something so wonderful... I think I've finally solved the puzzle as to why women fall for ass holes... They are just as afraid of having something wonderful and messing it up as men are. When you have something wonderful it's hard, it's work, and it's scary.

These are the beautiful flowers Bill bought me :)

That feeling when you totally identify with a song...

This song cracks me up! Taylor Swift is CLEARLY describing Bruce! Everything that she describes in this song is something that I've had to deal with with him! lol... I have literally been jamming to this song in the car ALL week because of how much I relate to it! It's always amazing when you find a song that describes exactly how you are feeling, or how you feel about someone!

Things DO get better....

About a month ago I felt like my whole life was falling apart. My car had been stolen, I had no idea how I was going to get to work, Bruce had a new girlfriend, and even though he and I were over a LONG time ago it still sucked that he had someone in his life and I didn't, Tom decided he didn't want to be my friend anymore, and it seemed like no matter how hard I tried to get on top of things in my life I could never seem to turn things around. Wow! Was I wrong!

1) I got news on September 3rd that my car had finally been found and had in fact been sitting in an impound lot for the past 2 weeks. This meant I wasn't going to have to spend $4,000 on a down payment for a new car. While my car was missing State Farm handled everything! They paid for my car rental, they paid for my car to be removed from the impound lot, they went over the damage to see what needed to be fixed and then they towed my car to the dealership to fix it and wrote me a check! I don't know what I'd have done without them though... I know it's cheezy, but State Farm really was there like a good neighbor.

2) After my car was stolen everyone was really great about it. People I barely knew were coming up to me and offering sympathy. In some cases they even offered to help me! This really gave me some new faith in the world!

3) Bruce's new girlfriend dumped him before the month was out. I'm not surprised by this as I know how difficult it is to be in a relationship with him first hand. The funny part is that not long after Bruce started dating his new girlfriend I actually started to like that he was no longer single. He was still going out of his way to contact me, but he was contacting me about real things rather than just trying to get laid. It was like we were actually becoming friends again. Since Bruce was dumped things between us have been great! It's almost as if the last year didn't happen and we're friends like we we're before. The only real difference is that we both know that we're attracted to the other and so we will on occasion drop one another a drunk sext. lol :)

4) I started talking to Bill not a week after Bruce started dating his new girlfriend. I started dating Bill literally 2 days after my car was stolen. I have truly enjoyed Bill's company and I'm glad that we are still dating. He is on vacation this week and I miss him. I wasn't sure that I would, but I do. I'm really starting to like him a lot. He isn't practically a male model like Mark or Arben, and I don't have that insane passion with him that I had with Bruce or Kamil, but I have a feeling that I probably won't be single much longer :)

5) I miss having Tom as a friend, but hopefully he will one day be willing to speak to me again, and maybe hang out. Until then though my life has been SOOOO much easier without all of his drama!

Through all of this I've learned a lot about myself... I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought, and more prepared for tragedy than I thought. I've learned that I do have good friends who care for me and will be there for me when I need them. I've learned that Bruce isn't going anywhere, and I'm okay with that. I've learned that I care for him a great deal as a friend and in the end I just want him to be happy with me or without me. I've learned that being single can be fun, but that I don't have to be single forever. I've learned that I deserve a good guy who is going to treat me right, and who is all about ME. The last month has been tough, but I'm glad that I dealt with everything because it has made it SOOO worth it!

The Trouble with Bruce

Last night I was talking to Bruce via text message. I had invited him to go paint-balling with me. He said that he didn't want to go because he had better things to do. I was disappointed, so I decided to tease him a little for being so introverted lately. I asked Bruce whether or not he was against fun or something, and then pointed out some of the activities that I think are fun that he doesn't like. For example, I love to go dancing on the weekends, but Bruce HATES dance clubs. I was of course just giving him a hard time and accompanied all of my teasing messages with winky faces ;) . It didn't take long though before Bruce accused me of being on the verge of being annoying and insulting.

This is not the first instance where I have given Bruce a hard time and he has taken it the wrong way, in fact almost every instance where I try to tease, or joke with him he gets upset. Amongst my family, and the friends I grew up with this is just how we show affection! We tease each other to show that we know each other, we're comfortable with each other, and to make one another laugh. The more I thought though about Bruce's reaction the more I realized that I'd never really seen him self deprecate before. In fact often times Bruce would go out of his way to make himself look good when it was completely unnecessary. I began to realize that Bruce's problem was blatantly obvious and glaringly simple! He simply has low self esteem. Here are just a few examples of Bruces behavior that led me to this conclusion:
1) Even though Bruce regularly refers to himself as a "nerd" and is usually quite proud of his nerdiness to the point that he displays it out loud as often as possible, whenever I have referred to him as a nerd he has gotten offended. When he says something particularly nerdy, like quoting an obscure comic book for instance, I would often times make a comment like "you are SUCH a nerd" with a smile on my face. I find his nerdiness endearing and cute and it's one of the things I like about him, yet when i make a comment like that Bruce either becomes silent and broody, or he becomes defensive and denies being a nerd altogether.
2) When we were together towards the end of our relationship Bruce and I didn't get to see much of each other. When he would miss me he would send me a text message saying he missed me and he loved me. When I returned the favor though Bruce would become upset. He would make comments like "oh well". He would accuse me of being clingy, needy, and whiny. He accused me of making him feel bad, and making him feel like a bad boyfriend. Of course NONE of that was intended! I was just telling the man that I loved that I loved him and missed him. It was as if Bruce didn't think anyone could possibly love him or miss him.
3) Whenever someone shares one of their accomplishments with Bruce he has to "one up it". If I told him for instance about avoiding a car accident in my car by making a difficult turning maneuver, Bruce would respond by telling me how he made that maneuver 12 times last week and that he could do that in his sleep! Anytime anyone share something with Bruce that he can't "one up" he will simply state that he "doesn't care about that" and try to change the subject. It is as if he has a constant need to prove himself and to impress people.
4) Bruce has a nasty scar on his stomach from when he had surgery. Someone at his work once told him that it was disgusting, and ever since he has felt the need to hide it by keeping his upper body covered at ALL times.
5) Bruce used to be a little on the chubby side. He was never really fat, but rather chubby. A few years ago he started working out and cutting back on drinking soda. He dropped weight shockingly fast, so fast that his best friend and mother were concerned for his health. By the time that he stopped losing weight he was skinny enough to fit into his 16 year old sisters pants. Bruce has made comments towards me about how he doesn't understand why I find him attractive, that I wouldn't like him if he was still "fat" and he often times seems ashamed of the way he looked back then.
6) Anytime a girl hits on him it makes him uncomfortable. It is almost as if he doesn't comprehend why a woman would want to have sex with him. He responds by asking her why she likes him, why him, and any number of other similar questions.

Taking all of this into account, and knowing what I know about Bruce and about psychology, I am fairly certain that Bruce has low self esteem. I don't think that he thinks that he is "worth it" and I find this incredibly disturbing as it is a self fulfilling prophecy for Bruce. The minute he starts to think that he's not worth it he starts to lose respect for the woman who likes him simply BECAUSE she likes him. This leads him to lose interest in the relationship and behave like someone who ISN'T worth it. Bruce and I may have our issues, but at the end of the day he is a good person who deserves some happiness! I just hope he figures that out sooner rather than later.

Drunken clarity

After a few glasses of wine I know this much: 1) I really like Bill, and I think if I let him in we might get to have a real relationship, but I'm not sure I'm ready to let my guard down. 2) I still have some feelings for Bruce. They will probably dissipate the closer I get to Bill just like my feelings for Kamil dissipated as I got closer to Bruce, but because Bruce was my first real love I don't know if they'll ever fully dissipate. 3) Bruce is single again, however he is currently sick (ironically the same as last year) and he still likes to go MIA. I sometimes wonder if my attraction to Bruce is more physical now than anything else. 4) Tom still isn't speaking to me. This would bother me less if we didn't have a whole bunch of mutual friends, and I didn't miss just chilling with him. I never thought of him as anything more than a friend, but since someone tried to convince him otherwise I guess I'm SOL.

Love is for EVERYONE!

I've been trying to avoid posting political rants on this blog for the most part, but I have lost my patience tonight! Love is for EVERYONE! I'm so sick of religious people claiming that because they are "christian" they are better than everyone and that that the law should follow their views. I'm so SICK of people who ACTUALLY watch FOX News and believe that garbage! I'm so SICK of people who live in ignorance and refuse to accept any other ideas into their lives! I'm SO done with it!!! People should be able to love WHOMEVER they want! Regardless of gender or sexual preference! There is NO reasonable legal argument against that!!! Women should be able to control what happens inside of their bodies!!! There is NO reasonable arguement against that! The government should help those in need!!! There is NO reasonable argument against that!!! NO gay people will not corrupt your children! NO women do NOT use abortion as birth control!!! NO people on welfare are NOT all lazy drug addicts!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW ALL THIS????? ALL of it affects me in one way or another!!! So before you go and judge other pick up a book and READ!!!

Passion

Passion can be a wonderful thing. I'm a passionate person, and sometimes when I let it overwhelm me it can rive me to do things I need to do that I wouldn't otherwise have an easy time doing. I've always been proud of my passion for the things in my life, and looked down on others who didn't have the same passion for things in their lives.
Lately though since I've been seeing Bill I've wondered whether passion may actually be a BAD thing in a relationship. I'd being lying to myself if I said that my passion didn't come between Bruce and I. I'd also being lying if I said we we'ren't passionate about each other. From the moment we first kissed up until the present there has been an underlying attraction, and passion between the both of us that seems just completely unwilling to die. Kamil and I had a similar passion, but he completely cut ties with me for whatever reason (I still don't know). That same passion though is the reason that I think that Bruce can't let me go. I've tried to push him out of my life, but thats easier said then done especially because we used to be friends. Lately we've been getting along which has been nice.
I guess my point is that I don't have that same passion for Bill. When he kisses me its very nice and sweet, and I love it when he puts his arm around me. I'm not sure that I'm ready to sleep with him though. I don't know if that's because I was burned by Kyle and Arben (and to a certain extent Bruce and Tom) or if it's because I'm nervous. Which is weird.... I'm usually not nervous. I guess I'm worried that I'll be disappointed, or he'll be disappointed. I can tell he really likes me because he's always offering to meet up with me, and if things keep going the way they are going I'm going to have a bonafied boyfriend soon, yet I'm still nervous.
I guess I've always had this issue.... I didn't know I even liked Bruce in a sexual way till we made out at a dance club. I didn't know I liked Arben or Kyle that way till they kissed me. I didn't know I liked Kamil that way until he picked me up and carried me into our friends bed room, and so on and so forth.
I usually figure out how much I like someone after they kiss me, or we make out, or we have sex. It's just been difficult because Bill isn't a traditionally handsom guy, but he IS amazingly sweet! When he kisses me it's nice. I'm don't feel like ripping his clothes off, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm counting down till it's over either. All of this is just WAY too confusing. I guess in the end that is the advantage to passion. When you have passion there is no question. Maybe that's why in this case passion may be the enemy?

Wine and the Vampire Diaries

There is nothing more relaxing than sitting on the couch sipping wine and watching TV. It is a luxury that is not afforded to many people and it is a luxury I rarely get to indulge in, but I have spent the last two nights after work sitting on my couch sipping wine and watching the Vampire Diaries. It does bring some things into perspective... one being that I should just be glad I'm not living the Vampire Diaries lol,  Two, the men on that show are SUPER hot! The third thing though is actually finally understand Bruce's need for "me time". When I was younger I always needed "me time" but after college I was SO used to running around like a crazy person that I became bored with "me time" because I had nothing to be passionate about. I just wanted to spend all of my time with Bruce. Lately though, since I've started blogging I've found that I'm back to enjoying my "me time". I think I finally found something that makes me passionate enough that I enjoy being alone. I think this is good.

I'm WAY too forgiving!

As a child I was a nerd. I was unpopular because I didn't fit in with the other children in the area, and I didn't have the energy to take care of my physical appearance. I enjoyed things like fantasy, and debate while other children were into Britney Spears and the Real World. I finally started to come into my own in college, but because I wasn't so easy to get along with when I was younger I learned to treasure my friends. Sure, I know that people are going to come in and out of my life without warning, but that doesn't make it easier for me when it does happen. Recently it's been much worse though...

1. A bunch of my friends from college pretty much completely stopped talking to me, or simply seemed to disappear. They would get together with one another, and fail to invite me.

2. Last October my best friend moved to Europe for grad school. She came back for about a month for christmas, but I haven't seen her since.

3. All of my friends from high school now have boyfriends and are in long term relationships. They never have time for me, they barely even speak to me anymore.

4. In December of 2011, Kamil, who had been one of my best friends since 2008 decided he never wanted to speak to me ever again. I literally haven't heard a word from him since. I still don't know why he did this... most of my friends think it's because of Bruce.

5. A bunch of my friends I'd been spending time with recently dropped off the face of the earth for no apparent reason and without warning. I've barely spoken to any of them since.

6. In January Bruce dumped me in a text message, by March he had pretty much decided he didn't like me at all, and by May he told me he never wanted to speak to me again. From June until August he was only interested in me when he was drunk and horny, and for a good 2 weeks in August he was just a straight up ass hole to me. Lately though we've been getting along for the most part.

7. Over the summer one of my best friends went to Washington for a month. It really really sucked not having her around.

8. Today I found out that Tom has gone and unfriended me on facebook without warning, without telling me why, without even talking to me about it. I thought that he was my friend, but right now I feel extremely betrayed.

9. Kyle, Arben, and Mark all straight up used me for sex. Even though each one of them had told me they were interested in dating. They are liars. I have no problem with casual sex as long as both parties know the deal. Liars on the other hand are ass holes. It's hard to trust another person after being treated the way they treated me.

All in all, in each and everyone of these instances I was betrayed, forgotten, hurt, backstabbed, and/or downright insulted and disrespected. Yet, I find myself willing to forgive most of these people because I care about them. In some cases I even love them. A lot of people after being treated the way I have been would walk away forever, but not me. Whenever someone wrongs me all I can think about is why they did what they did, and how upset they must have been with me to push them to such drastic actions. I for sure have abandonment issues, and even though I don't have huge trouble making friends I still have a fear of losing all of my friends, but mostly I think that once I've decided that I enjoy someone's company for whatever reason, I want to keep them in my life. Even if they can sometimes cause drama, even if they can sometimes be an ass hole or a bitch. If other people could forgive me then I can in turn do the same. In the end though that will most likely be my downfall.