Sunday, October 7, 2012

Letting people in is easier said than done.

This weekend due to my work schedule, and do to the Chicago Marathon I wasn't going to be able to go into the city and go to a dance club or a bar. Instead I spent a wonderful Friday night with Bill. He took me to Olive Garden for dinner, and then he brought me flowers :) We then went bowling, and played pool and at the end of the night he asked me to be his girlfriend. Bill really is the sweetest guy. So far from what I've seen he is everything a girl could ask for in a boyfriend. I always have a great time with him. The only thing is I think that I'm keeping my distance because I'm afraid of getting to close to him. In so many of  my other relationships, particularly with Bruce I got too attached too soon, and ended up getting hurt. I don't think Bill would hurt me like that, but I have no way of knowing for sure. The other thing is that I find myself worrying every time Bill tries to make plans with me that either he is going to fuck something up, or I am going to fuck something up. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt him just as much as I'm afraid that he's going to hurt me. I really like Bill and when I'm with him I always have a great time and enjoy his company, but the minute that were apart I find myself even avoiding him. When I was with Bruce we were practically inseperable. I looked for any oppurtunity so be with him, but with Bill, the idea of doing something with him makes me somewhat anxious, like I'm afraid he's going to pressure me into doing something I don't want, or I'll do something that I'll later regret. The thing is that Bill hasn't pressured me into anything. I've seen nothing from him to suggest that he would pressure me. Maybe I'm just losing my mind, maybe I'm damaged, maybe I'm just afraid of getting hurt again. The last time I fell in love it hurt like hell, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but at the same time I don't want to throw away something so wonderful... I think I've finally solved the puzzle as to why women fall for ass holes... They are just as afraid of having something wonderful and messing it up as men are. When you have something wonderful it's hard, it's work, and it's scary.
These are the beautiful flowers Bill bought me :)

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