How soon is too soon to fall in love?

I think I'm in love with my boyfriend Bill, but I haven't told him yet and he hasn't said anything either. We've both expressed that we are looking to settle down in the near future, that we both think that this might be headed that way, and I've practically lived with him the last two weeks, but we've only known each other 3 months. Bruce and I were only dating 2 months before he told me he loved me, but we'd known one another almost a year... Bill is coming over for thanksgiving, and the holidays are coming too. I just REALLY don't want to screw this up because I really think that Bill and I have a future together. How soon is too soon to fall in love?

Friday!!

It's been a super long and super busy week! In more like a super busy month! Busy is good, but as you may have noticed I haven't been able to keep up as much with my blog. Here's a quick summary of everything that's happened:
Oct 20-21 I went with some friends and some friends of friends to Wisconsin Dells to go zip lining and paint balling and it was great fun! I can't wait to go back! That Saturday was sweetest day, and Bill, my boyfriend, being the sweety that he is bought me a rose at the bar early Saturday morning while we were still out in the city. :)

Oct 22 I went to Bill's place to watch the Bears whoop the Detroit Lions on Monday night football, and to watch Obama hand it to Romney in the debate! We sat on Bill's couch drinking wine and cuddling and about half way through the game we started making out and ended up having sex right then and there. We had sex twice that night before I spent the night. It was SO worth waiting 2 months for! The sex was great!

Oct 23rd I went to "Game Night" with Bill and got to meet another one of Bill's friends. I had a great time. I really like Bill's friends. They seem like good people. :)

Oct 24th I spent the evening with Bill walking around, shopping, and watching the Walking Dead while cuddling. It was very nice :) I spent the night again and that morning woke up to amazing sex and a nice orgasm :)

Oct 25 I had to work all day and then go pack for Washington DC because my flight was at 7:30a the next morning. I got a little tipsy drinking wine, didn't get any packing done. And when bill texted me that he was done bowling I told him to come over and we had sex in the car. I ended up staying up till 1am but it was SO worth it.

Oct 26- 31st I was in Washington DC and that trip deserves its own post. It was a great trip!

Oct 31st I had Bill pick me up from the airport after my 7a flight. In the car we were kissing and could barely keep our hands off each other. When we got back to his place we had hot sex over and over till like 1p. Then we grabbed some lunch and went shopping. I got myself a Halloween costume for later that night, and then we also got me some sexy nighties for later ;) after shopping Bill and I went to my friend's party where Bill got to meet some of my friends. After the party we went back to his place and had sex before falling asleep in each others arms :) That day Bill also showed me that he had put aside a drawer for me to put my stuff in at his place! :)

Nov 2nd I went out to a bar with Bill and we took shots of Patron in honor of Dia de Los muertos and had drinks and food. It was a fun night.

The next day on Nov 3rd Bill and I had brunch together before I had to go to work, and afterwards went to the same bar for food, drinks, and shuffleboard.
Bill kicked my ass at shuffleboard lol.

Nov 4th Bill and I woke up early so we could go bowling with his parents. I got to meet them for the first time that day and they seem like really nice people.

This week I've spent every night at Bill's place. Monday night was Game Night, Tuesday we watched President Obama get re-elected together, Wednesday night we stayed in and watched 24, and last night we went to dinner with his parents and then I cheered them on in their bowling league. It was a lot of fun!

Now it's finally Friday, which ironically sucks because instead of working at the job I love I have to work at the job I hate all weekend. At least I get to go out with Bill tonight and tomorrow, and on Sunday I get to go bowling with him and his parents, and watch the Bears play the Texans on Sunday night Football!

More to come!

Happy Friday everybody!

Went to DC for a conference, stayed for a Hurricane!

I came to Washington DC for the weekend to help out with a Model UN Conference and to visit my sister. I was supposed to fly home at 7a on Monday October 29th, but ended up staying till Halloween because my flight was cancelled due to the hurricane, and I was rebooked on a flight home at 7a on Halloween. I went to DC for a conference and ended up staying for a hurricane!

On the road again...

After an amazing week that started with a quick road trip (more on that later) I'm off to Washington DC! I had to be up brutally early this morning which sucks, but it'll be worth it when my plane lands at Reagan Airport! Waiting at O'Hare is always an experience lol.... I can't wait to board my flight so I can nap ^_^

Weekend Update: A Mixed Bag

This weekend was really a mixed bag as far as weekends go. Friday night was super fun! I went with some of my friends to a Latin Club in Chicago and had a great time sipping cheap drinks and dancing. I spent the night at a friends place so I wouldn't have to drive home, and in the morning we went out for breakfast! Yummy! :) The rest of Saturday was okay too. By the time I got home I was SUPER tired seeing as how we stayed out till 5a and then woke up at 10a so I took a nap. After I woke up, I ate dinner and then went bowling with Bill. He and I had a great time bowling, and afterwards we chilled at the lounge discussing our plans for Sunday.

Cranberry and Grey Goose from the Club

The bowling alley Bill and I went bowing at.

Sunday however, was less fun. Bill and I had been planning on spending the day at the forest preserve going for a walk, but mother nature refused to cooperate. It was pouring rain and storming for most of the day, and we even had a tornado warning. I also woke up in excruciating pain from cramps that was also a gift from mother nature, and spent the whole day drowsy and semi-high from all the Advil I had to take to not be in pain. I tried to get together with Bill later in the day, but I was just too tired. I ended up watching the Packers slaughter the Texans on Sunday Night Football, and then fell asleep catching up on the last season of Supernatural.

It was an embarrassing blowout...

While Friday was a lot of fun, and Saturday was good too, I would have much rather spent my Sunday doing something other than feeling miserable and watching a team I hate win in a blowout. Next weekend I'm supposed to go out of town for a friends birthday and to Paintballing and zip lining so hopefully next weekend will be better!

Ugh... It's Monday again...

Usually I happen to kind of like Mondays, as I actually enjoy my full time work and I especially enjoy what I usually do on Monday, but thanks to a timely visit from mother nature I am BEYOND tired. Between staying up later than I should have catching up on episodes of Supernatural (It was the last 3 episodes of last season... I just could NOT stop watching!) and being drowsy from all the pain killers I'm on because mother nature HATES me I'm am just exhausted! All I can think is just Ugh... I need a nap! I was supposed to spend all day with Bill yesterday, but I had to bail on him because I was so drowsy/ in pain. I know this will probably come in handy when it's time for me to have children because I'll have super strong muscles for pushing out babies, but until then this is just another one of these days when it SUCKS to be female!

Happy Friday!!

Short post this time... Happy Friday Everybody!

10 Day You Challenge: 8 Fears

8 Fears
1. Death
2. An airplane crashing while I'm on it.
3. Surgery
4. Wasps. Those nasty little buggers sting, and I have yet to be stung by a wasp or a bee.
5. Disappointing my parents
6. Having my car stolen AGAIN
7. Getting pregnant, I'm not ready for kids yet.
8. Not being able to start a family when I AM ready.

10 Day You Challenge: 9 Loves

Nine Loves
1. I love my family which includes my two cats.
2. I love my friends.
3. I love my iPhone.
4. I love my car.
5. I love my macbook.
6. I love Chocolate.
7. I love wine and beer.
8. I love watching Football, particularly the Chicago Bears.
9. I love Sex

10 Day You Challenge: Ten Secrets

I saw this on another blog and thought that it was a really great idea. I'm a little late to the game so I'll post the first three today to catch up. To all the other bloggers out there I suggest you join the challenge too!

Ten Secrets
1. I'm really terrible at keeping secrets. I just don't believe in them.
2. I am obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
3. I failed a whole bunch of classes in college. I don't do well at things like studying and I got wrapped up in my extra curricular's which also brings me to...
4. I have ADHD.
5. I was severely depressed earlier this year. I've since started seeing a psychiatrist and I am doing a LOT better.
6. There is still a part of me that wishes I could get back together with my ex. It's a small part, but it's there.
7. I didn't lose my virginity till after I turned 24.
8. I have smoked weed. I've tried it a few times, but I don't really like it.
9. When I was 17 and my parents were out of town I went to a dance club I wasn't allowed to go to.
10. Last year when my parents were out of town I threw a party in their house... they still don't know lol

Simple Single Girl Life: I Sometimes Wish I Was A Guy....

It turns out I'm not the only woman out there who recognizes that men have it SO much easier than us! I mean COME ON! We have periods, we make only 75 cents for every $1 a man makes in the US, we have all these ridiculous "fashion rules" we have to follow, and we are WAY more emotional.  I thought I covered this when I said I have penis envy. However, the fact that there are other women out there who feel like I do? It just makes the point hit home harder!

Simple Single Girl Life: I Sometimes Wish I Was A Guy....: That's right ladies...I sometimes wish I was a guy. Don't get me wrong I love who I am but I just feel like being a girl sometimes is jus...

Coffee Talk Week 5

Okay... so this is my first time doing Coffee Talk, but it seemed like a cool way for people to get to know more about me other than what's going on in my love life ;) (more on that soon btw!). So here goes!

p.s. if you have your own blog you may want to participate in Coffee Talk as well ;)


1. Pancakes or waffles?
I like both... it really depends what I'm in the mood for.
2. What is your go-to meal?
Homemade Macaroni and Cheese! It's one of the easiest things to make at home. Especially when I'm short on time or ingredients!
3. What is your "must have" snack while watching a movie/TV show?
For movies in the theater? Popcorn! I've got to have it! At home though I'll snack on almost anything.
4. What is your guilt food(the kind where you are sad, lonely, etc. )?
Chocolate, wine, and anything greasy.
5. What kind of food do you eat that is so disgusting to others and you are embarrassed to tell? Come on! Fess up!
The only thing that I can think of that others find disgusting is fish. I'll eat almost anything that comes from a large body of water. I've had caviar, calamari, frog legs, clams, muscles, and whole bunch of other sea creatures.

I'm afraid...

Last night I finally went to Bill's house for the first time. I went over there for "game night" with his friends. I had a lot of fun. It helped that of the three different card games we played I won all three lol. I guess I had beginners luck on my side. Bill's friends were really nice and I had a great time. I'm looking forward to going back next week. Bill also has this adorable black cat who is just the sweetest and most playful creature. I can tell that Bill is noticing that I have my walls up and I've been somewhat evasive. He is always trying to get to spend more time with me, and I feel like I'm always saying "no". I'm working on being more available to him, but it isn't easy. Not only am I super busy lately with everything, but I'm very much afraid of getting hurt.

The other issue is that I haven't slept with him yet. Usually by this point in the relationship I've already done that, and I'm afraid that sex could be an issue. Part of why I've always slept with guys early on is that I want to make sure that we're physically compatible before I invest any time getting to know them. The problem is that in the past that has almost always led to my being used. This time I was determined to do it right, so I haven't slept with him, but now I'm scared to death that if something goes wrong I'll either lose someone I've spent a lot of time with, or I'll no longer be attracted to him. I realize that I'm going to have to sleep with him soon though, because we're already boyfriend and girlfriend, I'm running out of excuses, and honestly I haven't had sex in 2 months and could really use some action.

There is one other issue I'm concerned about.... I'm not in love with Bill. Not yet anyway, and part of that is because I haven't fully brought my walls down. However, I'm beginning to be concerned that he is falling in love with me. This concerns me because it is REALLY awkward when one person says I love you and the other one doesn't say it back. When Bruce first told me that he loved me, I was pretty sure I was already in love with him too. He told me that I didn't have to say it back, but even though I'm not sure I was ready to say it back I said it anyway. I'd already accidentally texted it to him earlier that week, so I knew the feelings were there. I had just never said it before to a man so saying it was a big deal for me. I would very much like to fall in love again, but because of what happened with Bruce I know that I'm not ready for that yet. I do not want to get hurt like that again, and even though it's making me feel almost emotionally stunted to keep my walls up, emotionally stunted still feels better than heart broken.

To my fellow Liberal Sluts:

The above message is an important one that you should remember during your dating years... It's something that we tend to forget as women. So many men will try to get you to do what THEY want and to put THEM first, but we as women need to learn to fight that! No matter what anyone says or thinks about you, you ARE worth it! Just remember that the next time a guy tries to take advantage of you. If someone isn't treating you the way that you want to be treated, then it's time to say goodbye and move on because there is someone out there waiting for you who knows that you are worth it! Just keep telling yourself this because it can get hard from time to time... but that's no reason to give up, no reason to get down on yourself, and no reason to settle. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

It's amazing how things change...

Back when I was dating Bruce I got this photo in a text message from one of my friends. At the time I was very depressed because Bruce never seemed to have time for me. I'd see him once every two weeks for maybe an hour, and he refused to do anything with me for Christmas and New Years. Needless to say my friends were not pleased with him, and I was very unhappy. This was my friends way of encouraging me to finally break up with Bruce. 

Now though, I feel differently about this picture, and I even almost agree with Bruce's stance on the matter. Sometimes, you really just don't have time for someone. I really enjoy going out with Bill and spending time with him, but lately I've needed a lot more "me time" and I don't feel like staying out all night and getting no sleep just to see him. I've learned that in the long run that's crazy and it's better to make sure that I take care of myself, and my health rather than worrying about getting to spend extra time with my boyfriend. Maybe it's because I was in love with Bruce at the time and I'm not in love with Bill. I like him a lot, and there is a potential for love, but it's just not there yet. I will be interested to see how all of this pans out and how I'll feel about this same photo down the road, but for now I feel that while the sentiment is there, practicality wise sometimes you just have to be a little selfish. 

Letting people in is easier said than done.

This weekend due to my work schedule, and do to the Chicago Marathon I wasn't going to be able to go into the city and go to a dance club or a bar. Instead I spent a wonderful Friday night with Bill. He took me to Olive Garden for dinner, and then he brought me flowers :) We then went bowling, and played pool and at the end of the night he asked me to be his girlfriend. Bill really is the sweetest guy. So far from what I've seen he is everything a girl could ask for in a boyfriend. I always have a great time with him. The only thing is I think that I'm keeping my distance because I'm afraid of getting to close to him. In so many of  my other relationships, particularly with Bruce I got too attached too soon, and ended up getting hurt. I don't think Bill would hurt me like that, but I have no way of knowing for sure. The other thing is that I find myself worrying every time Bill tries to make plans with me that either he is going to fuck something up, or I am going to fuck something up. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt him just as much as I'm afraid that he's going to hurt me. I really like Bill and when I'm with him I always have a great time and enjoy his company, but the minute that were apart I find myself even avoiding him. When I was with Bruce we were practically inseperable. I looked for any oppurtunity so be with him, but with Bill, the idea of doing something with him makes me somewhat anxious, like I'm afraid he's going to pressure me into doing something I don't want, or I'll do something that I'll later regret. The thing is that Bill hasn't pressured me into anything. I've seen nothing from him to suggest that he would pressure me. Maybe I'm just losing my mind, maybe I'm damaged, maybe I'm just afraid of getting hurt again. The last time I fell in love it hurt like hell, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but at the same time I don't want to throw away something so wonderful... I think I've finally solved the puzzle as to why women fall for ass holes... They are just as afraid of having something wonderful and messing it up as men are. When you have something wonderful it's hard, it's work, and it's scary.

These are the beautiful flowers Bill bought me :)

Hate is very much alive and well

Today I spent some time on facebook going through some of the conservative pages because I had recently read an article online about how there seems to be more hate on facebook than ever before. Sure enough I found MANY MANY examples of hate speech on these pages and it made me sick! You would think that in 2012 you wouldn't see so much racism, hatred, bigotry, and ignorance, but alas you do. Here are some choice examples of real life hatred that I encountered:

That feeling when you totally identify with a song...

This song cracks me up! Taylor Swift is CLEARLY describing Bruce! Everything that she describes in this song is something that I've had to deal with with him! lol... I have literally been jamming to this song in the car ALL week because of how much I relate to it! It's always amazing when you find a song that describes exactly how you are feeling, or how you feel about someone!

Vertigo

I have really terrible allergies to mold, and this year we have had record high mold counts. It's been terrible! I don't remember the last time I didn't have a stuffy nose! Lol.
Yesterday, while I was at work, I started suffering from Vertigo. I would have these lightheaded/dizzy spells that made me feel like I was drunk, or at least tipsy, even though I'd had NOTHING to drink! I hate being drunk, so this has been incredibly unpleasant for me.
I think it's caused by my allergies, because I've felt tired, and congested all week, but I have no way to know for sure :( Anyways, I left work early yesterday and went home and took a nap. I'd started to feel better after I woke up, but eventually the vertigo came back.
I'd been looking forward to Friday all week, and I didn't want up miss it. I figured, if I was feeling drunk, I might as well go hang out with drunk folk! Which is exactly what I did! I went with some friends to some great south side Irish bars where we were clearly the soberest folk there! It was great fun! The only issue I had was with my best friend being high maintenance, but that's another story... Now the only issue is whether or not I need to call in sick to work today, because if the vertigo sticks around I don't know if I can make it!

The Liebster Award

Liebster Award

Let's get started...

The Rules
1. You must list 11 things about yourself.
2. Answer 11 questions put to you by the person awarding you.
3. Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers and list their questions.
4. Go to your nominees' pages and inform them of the nominations.
5. No tag backs.

About me
1. I Love to go out dancing with my friends
2. I love to watch movies
3. I love beer
4. I surfing the internet
5. I hate waking up early
6. I am little bit lazy
7. I can't eat uncooked fruits or veggies
8. I love football
9. I like driving
10. I love sleeping
11. I love baseball

11 questions from Anook

1. What are your favorite movies ? name 3

Transformers, Star Trek, Batman: The Dark Knight
2.What's your favorite sports?

Baseball, Football, Soccer
3. about friends? 3 things

My friends are outgoing, My friends are crazy, My friends are loving
4. which thing you don’t like?

Bananas, Packers Fans, Licorice
5. Name three things you love?

Watching Football, my family, my cats
6. Do you have a favorite blogger? (name one)

I really don't have a favorite

7. What your hobby?

Blogging
8. Do you have a favorite food items?

Pizza, Cheeseburgers, Chocolate
9. Do you like to visit india?

I would love to visit India someday
10. Name three things you would like to do before you die?

Go Skydiving, Have children, See the world
11. Blogspot or Wordpress?

Blogspot

Bloggers I wish to Nominate
Q's Web Journal

A Brainless Nod

Tiger by the Tail

Thoughts of a Mother

Your Questions

1. What is your favorite color?

2. What is your blog about?

3. What is your favorite drink?

4. Why did you start blogging?

5. What is your favorite book?

6. What do you like to do in your spare time?

7. If you could live in any city in the world where would you live?

8. Cats or Dogs?

9. What inspired your blog?

10. Do you think Gay marriage should be legal?

11. Are you religious?

Good luck.Have fun with this. Hope to hear back from you soon.

Thanks Anook For including my blog in this award

Trying out the Sunday Social Thing...

This lovely blogger Neely has come up with this "Sunday Social" thing, so I thought I'd give it a try! Here are this week's questions:

1. What is something you have wanted to do but are afraid of?
I want to go Skydiving, but I'm afraid my parachute won't open...

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Hopefully I will be happily married and starting a family. I also hope to have finished law school, and working as a lawyer. 

3. What are you looking forward to before the end of 2012?
Visiting Washington D.C!!

4. What are your hopes for your blog?
I hope to keep working on it! I'm very excited about it and I want to keep providing quality posts! 

5. Do you always see yourself living in your current town/city?
I LOVE Chicago! However, I would love to live someplace else at least for a little while. Hopefully Washington D.C. ;) 

Are you ready for some football?

There are few things in life more wonderful than watching your favorite football team on Sunday :) I'm loving it!

The difference between a liberal slut and a whore

I may be a liberal slut, but even I would NEVER wear this dress! There's a HUGE difference between being sexually promiscuous, and sleeping with everything that walks. There's a huge difference between dressing sexy, and dressing like a whore. This dress embodies the latter! The sad part is that women who dress/act like that give us liberal sluts a bad name! The sad part is that I found this dress at a generic Juniors store at the mall!

It's finally Friday!!

Bill and I are finally friends on Facebook. I don't know if its the drunkenness or not, but he is super adorable/hot in his photos :) in the mean time I'm at a bar with friends. I'm drunk, and I haven't had sex in 2 months. I'm so horny it hurts. I need to get laid soon before I lose my mind..

Tiger by the Tail: Where to meet a summer fling

I have unfortunately never had the pleasure of experiencing a summer fling, however I have had the pleasure of two very wonderful Autumnal flings ;) This article has some wonderful suggestions for meeting new people. I know that I was getting down on myself A LOT after Bruce dumped me in January, and meeting people can be hard. I found at least some success online with OKCupid.com... that's where I met Bill.

Tiger by the Tail: Where to meet a summer fling: Whether you're looking for love or looking for a distraction, the bar isn't the place to get your action. (sorry, had to)... If you've ...

Tiger by the Tail: Break-up food.

Tiger by the Tail: Break-up food.: Let's face it, when you're dished a sudden break-up the last thing you should do is dish yourself some sweets. We all know the best way to g...

After reading this Blog Post I have to say that it is DEAD ON about good break up food! When you get your heart broken you need to replace all the seratonin that you lost, so you sugar it up! Alcohol is a depressant, but sugar is a stimulant... if you want to at least attempt to feel better you drown your sorrows with a glass of wine and one of these lovely sugary treats :) (You don't have to be going through a break up to enjoy them either)

If you're TRULY desperate...

I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings the other day to watch a football game with friends, and when I went to go to the ladies room I found one of the stalls had no door. I ended up joking with one of the other women that it was for "desperate drunks" or for vomiting. Sure enough later on that afternoon towards the end of the game someone actually used it while I was in the stall next door lol. Now THAT is YOLO! Lol

Things DO get better....

About a month ago I felt like my whole life was falling apart. My car had been stolen, I had no idea how I was going to get to work, Bruce had a new girlfriend, and even though he and I were over a LONG time ago it still sucked that he had someone in his life and I didn't, Tom decided he didn't want to be my friend anymore, and it seemed like no matter how hard I tried to get on top of things in my life I could never seem to turn things around. Wow! Was I wrong!

1) I got news on September 3rd that my car had finally been found and had in fact been sitting in an impound lot for the past 2 weeks. This meant I wasn't going to have to spend $4,000 on a down payment for a new car. While my car was missing State Farm handled everything! They paid for my car rental, they paid for my car to be removed from the impound lot, they went over the damage to see what needed to be fixed and then they towed my car to the dealership to fix it and wrote me a check! I don't know what I'd have done without them though... I know it's cheezy, but State Farm really was there like a good neighbor.

2) After my car was stolen everyone was really great about it. People I barely knew were coming up to me and offering sympathy. In some cases they even offered to help me! This really gave me some new faith in the world!

3) Bruce's new girlfriend dumped him before the month was out. I'm not surprised by this as I know how difficult it is to be in a relationship with him first hand. The funny part is that not long after Bruce started dating his new girlfriend I actually started to like that he was no longer single. He was still going out of his way to contact me, but he was contacting me about real things rather than just trying to get laid. It was like we were actually becoming friends again. Since Bruce was dumped things between us have been great! It's almost as if the last year didn't happen and we're friends like we we're before. The only real difference is that we both know that we're attracted to the other and so we will on occasion drop one another a drunk sext. lol :)

4) I started talking to Bill not a week after Bruce started dating his new girlfriend. I started dating Bill literally 2 days after my car was stolen. I have truly enjoyed Bill's company and I'm glad that we are still dating. He is on vacation this week and I miss him. I wasn't sure that I would, but I do. I'm really starting to like him a lot. He isn't practically a male model like Mark or Arben, and I don't have that insane passion with him that I had with Bruce or Kamil, but I have a feeling that I probably won't be single much longer :)

5) I miss having Tom as a friend, but hopefully he will one day be willing to speak to me again, and maybe hang out. Until then though my life has been SOOOO much easier without all of his drama!

Through all of this I've learned a lot about myself... I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought, and more prepared for tragedy than I thought. I've learned that I do have good friends who care for me and will be there for me when I need them. I've learned that Bruce isn't going anywhere, and I'm okay with that. I've learned that I care for him a great deal as a friend and in the end I just want him to be happy with me or without me. I've learned that being single can be fun, but that I don't have to be single forever. I've learned that I deserve a good guy who is going to treat me right, and who is all about ME. The last month has been tough, but I'm glad that I dealt with everything because it has made it SOOO worth it!

I have penis envy.

If you have a penis you can't get pregnant. If you have a penis you know for sure when you have orgasmed. If you have a penis you orgasm a lot more easily than the average woman. If you have a penis you are more likely to be paid more. If you have a penis you don't have to try as hard to succeed. If you have a penis you don't have to worry as much about violent attacks. If you have a penis you don't bleed once a month. If you have a penis you don't get debilitating cramps once a month. If you have a penis you don't have to deal with female hormones and the mood swings that accompany them. If you have a penis count yourself lucky!

The Trouble with Bruce

Last night I was talking to Bruce via text message. I had invited him to go paint-balling with me. He said that he didn't want to go because he had better things to do. I was disappointed, so I decided to tease him a little for being so introverted lately. I asked Bruce whether or not he was against fun or something, and then pointed out some of the activities that I think are fun that he doesn't like. For example, I love to go dancing on the weekends, but Bruce HATES dance clubs. I was of course just giving him a hard time and accompanied all of my teasing messages with winky faces ;) . It didn't take long though before Bruce accused me of being on the verge of being annoying and insulting.

This is not the first instance where I have given Bruce a hard time and he has taken it the wrong way, in fact almost every instance where I try to tease, or joke with him he gets upset. Amongst my family, and the friends I grew up with this is just how we show affection! We tease each other to show that we know each other, we're comfortable with each other, and to make one another laugh. The more I thought though about Bruce's reaction the more I realized that I'd never really seen him self deprecate before. In fact often times Bruce would go out of his way to make himself look good when it was completely unnecessary. I began to realize that Bruce's problem was blatantly obvious and glaringly simple! He simply has low self esteem. Here are just a few examples of Bruces behavior that led me to this conclusion:
1) Even though Bruce regularly refers to himself as a "nerd" and is usually quite proud of his nerdiness to the point that he displays it out loud as often as possible, whenever I have referred to him as a nerd he has gotten offended. When he says something particularly nerdy, like quoting an obscure comic book for instance, I would often times make a comment like "you are SUCH a nerd" with a smile on my face. I find his nerdiness endearing and cute and it's one of the things I like about him, yet when i make a comment like that Bruce either becomes silent and broody, or he becomes defensive and denies being a nerd altogether.
2) When we were together towards the end of our relationship Bruce and I didn't get to see much of each other. When he would miss me he would send me a text message saying he missed me and he loved me. When I returned the favor though Bruce would become upset. He would make comments like "oh well". He would accuse me of being clingy, needy, and whiny. He accused me of making him feel bad, and making him feel like a bad boyfriend. Of course NONE of that was intended! I was just telling the man that I loved that I loved him and missed him. It was as if Bruce didn't think anyone could possibly love him or miss him.
3) Whenever someone shares one of their accomplishments with Bruce he has to "one up it". If I told him for instance about avoiding a car accident in my car by making a difficult turning maneuver, Bruce would respond by telling me how he made that maneuver 12 times last week and that he could do that in his sleep! Anytime anyone share something with Bruce that he can't "one up" he will simply state that he "doesn't care about that" and try to change the subject. It is as if he has a constant need to prove himself and to impress people.
4) Bruce has a nasty scar on his stomach from when he had surgery. Someone at his work once told him that it was disgusting, and ever since he has felt the need to hide it by keeping his upper body covered at ALL times.
5) Bruce used to be a little on the chubby side. He was never really fat, but rather chubby. A few years ago he started working out and cutting back on drinking soda. He dropped weight shockingly fast, so fast that his best friend and mother were concerned for his health. By the time that he stopped losing weight he was skinny enough to fit into his 16 year old sisters pants. Bruce has made comments towards me about how he doesn't understand why I find him attractive, that I wouldn't like him if he was still "fat" and he often times seems ashamed of the way he looked back then.
6) Anytime a girl hits on him it makes him uncomfortable. It is almost as if he doesn't comprehend why a woman would want to have sex with him. He responds by asking her why she likes him, why him, and any number of other similar questions.

Taking all of this into account, and knowing what I know about Bruce and about psychology, I am fairly certain that Bruce has low self esteem. I don't think that he thinks that he is "worth it" and I find this incredibly disturbing as it is a self fulfilling prophecy for Bruce. The minute he starts to think that he's not worth it he starts to lose respect for the woman who likes him simply BECAUSE she likes him. This leads him to lose interest in the relationship and behave like someone who ISN'T worth it. Bruce and I may have our issues, but at the end of the day he is a good person who deserves some happiness! I just hope he figures that out sooner rather than later.

Drunken clarity

After a few glasses of wine I know this much: 1) I really like Bill, and I think if I let him in we might get to have a real relationship, but I'm not sure I'm ready to let my guard down. 2) I still have some feelings for Bruce. They will probably dissipate the closer I get to Bill just like my feelings for Kamil dissipated as I got closer to Bruce, but because Bruce was my first real love I don't know if they'll ever fully dissipate. 3) Bruce is single again, however he is currently sick (ironically the same as last year) and he still likes to go MIA. I sometimes wonder if my attraction to Bruce is more physical now than anything else. 4) Tom still isn't speaking to me. This would bother me less if we didn't have a whole bunch of mutual friends, and I didn't miss just chilling with him. I never thought of him as anything more than a friend, but since someone tried to convince him otherwise I guess I'm SOL.

Love is for EVERYONE!

I've been trying to avoid posting political rants on this blog for the most part, but I have lost my patience tonight! Love is for EVERYONE! I'm so sick of religious people claiming that because they are "christian" they are better than everyone and that that the law should follow their views. I'm so SICK of people who ACTUALLY watch FOX News and believe that garbage! I'm so SICK of people who live in ignorance and refuse to accept any other ideas into their lives! I'm SO done with it!!! People should be able to love WHOMEVER they want! Regardless of gender or sexual preference! There is NO reasonable legal argument against that!!! Women should be able to control what happens inside of their bodies!!! There is NO reasonable arguement against that! The government should help those in need!!! There is NO reasonable argument against that!!! NO gay people will not corrupt your children! NO women do NOT use abortion as birth control!!! NO people on welfare are NOT all lazy drug addicts!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW ALL THIS????? ALL of it affects me in one way or another!!! So before you go and judge other pick up a book and READ!!!

Drunk, Horny, and Sexting the Ex again...

Wine is good. Wine is SO good that I could literally drink it all day everyday alcohol or not and not get tired of it, but unfortunately it is an alcoholic beverage. Tonight I was drinking my wine and blogging when Bruce sent me a text message telling me that he is single, drunk, and horny. I was the same way so I simply responded "me too". He then asked for a sexy video which I provided. I don't know what it is about him, but sexting him is just WAY too much fun lol. I also think my hormones are playing a role in this. In case you are not a female I will point out that at certain points during the month the female body produces a shit ton of hormones to increase sex drive in order to increase the chances of impregnation. It's Biology 101 and it SUCKS! lol. Between the wine, the sexy text messages, and the hormones it's almost unbearable. Too bad Bruce lives over 20 miles away and if I drove there I'd have to risk a DUI! Grrrrr.

Passion

Passion can be a wonderful thing. I'm a passionate person, and sometimes when I let it overwhelm me it can rive me to do things I need to do that I wouldn't otherwise have an easy time doing. I've always been proud of my passion for the things in my life, and looked down on others who didn't have the same passion for things in their lives.
Lately though since I've been seeing Bill I've wondered whether passion may actually be a BAD thing in a relationship. I'd being lying to myself if I said that my passion didn't come between Bruce and I. I'd also being lying if I said we we'ren't passionate about each other. From the moment we first kissed up until the present there has been an underlying attraction, and passion between the both of us that seems just completely unwilling to die. Kamil and I had a similar passion, but he completely cut ties with me for whatever reason (I still don't know). That same passion though is the reason that I think that Bruce can't let me go. I've tried to push him out of my life, but thats easier said then done especially because we used to be friends. Lately we've been getting along which has been nice.
I guess my point is that I don't have that same passion for Bill. When he kisses me its very nice and sweet, and I love it when he puts his arm around me. I'm not sure that I'm ready to sleep with him though. I don't know if that's because I was burned by Kyle and Arben (and to a certain extent Bruce and Tom) or if it's because I'm nervous. Which is weird.... I'm usually not nervous. I guess I'm worried that I'll be disappointed, or he'll be disappointed. I can tell he really likes me because he's always offering to meet up with me, and if things keep going the way they are going I'm going to have a bonafied boyfriend soon, yet I'm still nervous.
I guess I've always had this issue.... I didn't know I even liked Bruce in a sexual way till we made out at a dance club. I didn't know I liked Arben or Kyle that way till they kissed me. I didn't know I liked Kamil that way until he picked me up and carried me into our friends bed room, and so on and so forth.
I usually figure out how much I like someone after they kiss me, or we make out, or we have sex. It's just been difficult because Bill isn't a traditionally handsom guy, but he IS amazingly sweet! When he kisses me it's nice. I'm don't feel like ripping his clothes off, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm counting down till it's over either. All of this is just WAY too confusing. I guess in the end that is the advantage to passion. When you have passion there is no question. Maybe that's why in this case passion may be the enemy?

Wine and the Vampire Diaries

There is nothing more relaxing than sitting on the couch sipping wine and watching TV. It is a luxury that is not afforded to many people and it is a luxury I rarely get to indulge in, but I have spent the last two nights after work sitting on my couch sipping wine and watching the Vampire Diaries. It does bring some things into perspective... one being that I should just be glad I'm not living the Vampire Diaries lol,  Two, the men on that show are SUPER hot! The third thing though is actually finally understand Bruce's need for "me time". When I was younger I always needed "me time" but after college I was SO used to running around like a crazy person that I became bored with "me time" because I had nothing to be passionate about. I just wanted to spend all of my time with Bruce. Lately though, since I've started blogging I've found that I'm back to enjoying my "me time". I think I finally found something that makes me passionate enough that I enjoy being alone. I think this is good.

Another great date

Tonight I went out with Bill, the new guy I've been dating now since the 14th of August. We went bowling, and had a few drinks and talked. He kissed me good night. This kiss was longer than the others and he used his tongue which he hadn't done till now. All in all I had a wonderful time. Sure he isn't exactly a male model like some of the other men I've dated, but he is sweet, endearing, cute, successful, and overal just a really nice guy. I think I'm actually starting to REALLY like Bill! I just have to not go and screw things up. :)

Making a good impression

Lately I've been noticing this REALLY annoying habit by some people our there who refuse to spell anything correctly. Now I'm not talking about "lol" or any well know abbreviations used on Twitter in order to make the message meet the 140 character requirement. No, I'm talking about standard text messages! Standard text messages to a woman you are trying to impress! I'm sorry, but thats just sheer laziness and is a TOTAL turnoff. It makes you look like an idiot! Whenever one is trying to make a good impression, one must spell things appropriately or risk looking terrible.

I'm WAY too forgiving!

As a child I was a nerd. I was unpopular because I didn't fit in with the other children in the area, and I didn't have the energy to take care of my physical appearance. I enjoyed things like fantasy, and debate while other children were into Britney Spears and the Real World. I finally started to come into my own in college, but because I wasn't so easy to get along with when I was younger I learned to treasure my friends. Sure, I know that people are going to come in and out of my life without warning, but that doesn't make it easier for me when it does happen. Recently it's been much worse though...

1. A bunch of my friends from college pretty much completely stopped talking to me, or simply seemed to disappear. They would get together with one another, and fail to invite me.

2. Last October my best friend moved to Europe for grad school. She came back for about a month for christmas, but I haven't seen her since.

3. All of my friends from high school now have boyfriends and are in long term relationships. They never have time for me, they barely even speak to me anymore.

4. In December of 2011, Kamil, who had been one of my best friends since 2008 decided he never wanted to speak to me ever again. I literally haven't heard a word from him since. I still don't know why he did this... most of my friends think it's because of Bruce.

5. A bunch of my friends I'd been spending time with recently dropped off the face of the earth for no apparent reason and without warning. I've barely spoken to any of them since.

6. In January Bruce dumped me in a text message, by March he had pretty much decided he didn't like me at all, and by May he told me he never wanted to speak to me again. From June until August he was only interested in me when he was drunk and horny, and for a good 2 weeks in August he was just a straight up ass hole to me. Lately though we've been getting along for the most part.

7. Over the summer one of my best friends went to Washington for a month. It really really sucked not having her around.

8. Today I found out that Tom has gone and unfriended me on facebook without warning, without telling me why, without even talking to me about it. I thought that he was my friend, but right now I feel extremely betrayed.

9. Kyle, Arben, and Mark all straight up used me for sex. Even though each one of them had told me they were interested in dating. They are liars. I have no problem with casual sex as long as both parties know the deal. Liars on the other hand are ass holes. It's hard to trust another person after being treated the way they treated me.

All in all, in each and everyone of these instances I was betrayed, forgotten, hurt, backstabbed, and/or downright insulted and disrespected. Yet, I find myself willing to forgive most of these people because I care about them. In some cases I even love them. A lot of people after being treated the way I have been would walk away forever, but not me. Whenever someone wrongs me all I can think about is why they did what they did, and how upset they must have been with me to push them to such drastic actions. I for sure have abandonment issues, and even though I don't have huge trouble making friends I still have a fear of losing all of my friends, but mostly I think that once I've decided that I enjoy someone's company for whatever reason, I want to keep them in my life. Even if they can sometimes cause drama, even if they can sometimes be an ass hole or a bitch. If other people could forgive me then I can in turn do the same. In the end though that will most likely be my downfall.

I'm sorry, but people suck!

Today after a very long and difficult day of dealing with the local government and their ridiculous bureaucracy I found myself on Facebook. All day I had to deal with people giving me the run around, dodging my questions, and expecting me to pay fines I had not incurred. Then I went on facebook. What did I learn?? I learned that Tom, someone I considered a good friend had gone an "unfriended" me for no good reason. Sure, last week we had an argument because he had gotten a friend of mine super drunk and then basically told her he never wanted to see her again and I scolded him for that but who wouldn't??!! After everything that Kamil, who dropped off the face of the earth never to be heard from again in 2011, and Bruce, who told me in May he never wanted to speak to me again not that that lasted very long, have put me through I did NOT need this! It is incredibly upsetting when someone you have spent all summer protecting and defending does something like this to you without warning. Someone you've gone out of you're way to be friends with, to help, someone you've been intimate with, someone you share a good chunk of mutual friends with, that you have similar interests with, and that without the involvement of some nasty mutual acquaintances who can't keep their mouth shut would still be your friend!!!! If I have learned anything in my lifetime, it is that hearsay should be ignored at ALL costs! Apparently Tom never learned that! So instead of helping me with my governmental issues, instead of just apologizing to our mutual friend, instead of just getting along with everyone he had to go and cause drama again! I reemed him out via text, but I don't know if he got those texts since it's possible he blocked my number. All I know is that I am VERY hurt and confused, and I don't know who to trust anymore. I've lost WAY too many friends in the past year.

Dilemmas...

I just got back from my date with the new guy I've been seeing. He's older than me by a few years, a bit nerdy, and super sweet. He is such a nice guy. I'm really starting to like him. I don't think he's the ass hole type, but then Bruce never seemed like that either till it was too late! I'm still trying to decide whether or not to fully let him in. If I do that I think I might fall for him, and the last time I did that was with Bruce. I don't want to get hurt again, but at the same time I know that if I want a lasting relationship I'll have to let him I'm... Hence the dilemma!

Sobriety is my new best friend...

One thing I know for sure about myself is that when I drink I get horny. This is something that has been both a major issue, and a blessing all rolled up into one. Right now though I'm not at the stage in my relationship with the new guy I'm dating to be having sex, and I'd like to keep it that way a bit longer to protect both myself, and him. On the other hand though every time I drink all I can think about is how badly I want to have sex. This is incredibly frustrating for me. Maybe though if I abstain from alcohol in addition to sex I won't be as frustrated. I don't know.

Why do I sabotage myself?

Lately I've noticed something about myself... I find someone who likes me, and unless I am instantly attracted to them, or too drunk to care I get uncomfortable around them. It's as if I'm afraid they will make a move on me, even if there is a part of me that wants that to happen. It's because of this I've avoided men that have been interested in me that would have made good boyfriends, pushed them away, or even ignores them altogether. I don't know what it is that makes me so uncomfortable. I've even encountered it in the past with Bruce and Kamil. With both of them there have been several occasions where I was afraid to be fully honest with them about my feelings, and even blown th off because I was afraid they'd make a move on me. Even after I was comfortable with both of them I was always afraid to make the first move unless I was intoxicated. I don't know why I keep stabbing myself in the foot, but I need to figure it out and stop it ASAP because I have a man in my life that is everything I say I want, and he wants me.

I need to get laid

I'm drunk, and super horny. I wish Bruce was still wishing to fuck me, or that Tom was around. I can't wait till new guy and I are at the sex having stage!

Why don't I hate you?

The more I think about it the more I realize that I am WAY too forgiving of a person. Growing up I was rather bossy and out spoken and awkward so I had a harder time making friends. I often got teased at school and I always felt like a social out cast. There were a few people in my life though that came along and were patient with me. They saw in me what I see today.

Because of that I always tend to seethe best in people, to give them the benefit of the doubt. Which is probably why the men in my life like Bruce and Kamil have gotten away with treating me the way that they have. It's not that I'm not strong, or that I feel like I NEED them, its that I CARE about them and I have a very large capacity for forgiveness. I just hope that this time around forgiving Bruce doesn't bite me in the ass!

Sexting with my ex

So last night the guy I've been going out with really wanted to do something with me, but I was just way too tired and went home. After having a few glasses of wine it finally hit me and I was just SUPER horny. All I could think about was how badly I wanted to have sex and how long it has been since I've had sex (over a month). Since my ex had texted me the night before about how horny he was I thought that he would be the perfect person to share my frustration with. The reason I did not text the guy I was going out with is because he is a very very sweet guy, and I really like him and I don't want to be too forward with him. Every time I've been forward with a guy in the past it has back fired.

Like I said in my last post my ex is in a complicated situation with his most recent girlfriend where he isn't sure if he is single or not. I was mostly just looking to vent my frustration to him, but he actually turned it into a competition to see if I could make him horny. It was really nice getting back to the usual banter I have with Bruce, we haven't had that in a long time, and I miss that. I enjoyed the competition and sent him a few naughty videos before finally giving up. I'd never had any real intention of going over to his place to hook up because I was WAY too tired and had to be up early for work, but it was still fun to just mess around via text.

The only confusing part about the whole thing is that Bruce was A) all too willing to have a sexually explicit conversation and/or even have sex with me even though he is unsure whether or not he has a girlfriend, and B) he seemed very upset at the idea of being the "other man" in my life. This is particularly interesting because he has been the "other man" several times in the past, including with a friend of his that was cheating on a future friend of mine. Does this means he still has feelings for me? Is his experience with this new woman and the effect of time making him regret leaving me? If he asked me to get back together would I say yes? Especially now that there is someone in my life that may at some point by my boyfriend if everything goes well? Would it be worth it to take him back?

While most of me realizes that getting back with Bruce would be an incredibly STUPID idea, there is still a part of me that wonders if we could have made things work. After all there were a lot of factors in our break up that had nothing to do with our compatibility as a couple, but were just really bad circumstance and timing issues and as they say "the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person." I know that I still care for Bruce, but do I still love him like that? Could I? Even after everything that he's said and done? Could he still love me? I imagine that these are questions that I'll probably never know the answer to, but they are still there in the back of my mind everyday confusing the hell out of me.

My Pregnancy Scare: aka why I'm pro-choice

Earlier this year I did not get a period because the birth control I had been on kept me from getting one. For four months after the birth control was supposed to wear off I STILL didn't get a period. About 2 months into that I started to think I was pregnant. I'd only had sex with two guys that could have gotten me pregnant in that time one being Bruce, and the other was Tom. I was fairly certain it wasn't Tom because he had never gotten off, and it was too recent. Eventually after a few weeks of worrying about it I finally told Bruce. I then went to the grocery store and got a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I was VERY relieved!

The thing of it is is that Bruce and I had talked about what we were going to do if I got pregnant in the past. We were always extra careful, but accidents happen and we wanted to be prepared. Due to the fact that we were both 23 and lived at home, and had almost no money we knew that neither one of us could afford to have a baby, so that would have left abortion or adoption, but at least for Bruce adoption was never going to be an option.

Bruce has a genetic disorder that when it flares up causes him to be in serious physical pain for months at a time. The first time it flared up when he was a child he was in immense pain for months and then finally had to have surgery to fix it. That surgery almost killed him. He coded on the operating table, and while they were able to resuscitate him, it did some long term damage to his longs which is why second hand smoke could actually kill him. He was in remission for years before it flared up again. This time medicine had advanced far enough that they could fix the problem rather easily, but it still took months during which he was on very strong painkillers. The surgery it took to fix him had a ridiculously high chance of killing him. The genetic disorder Bruce has has a 98% chance of being passed on to any children he has and he doesn't want to make anyone else have to go through what he went through.

Between Bruce's disorder, and the fact that I was not ready to have children the decision was a no-brainer, but that didn't make it easy. I still loved Bruce a lot and the idea of killing one of our children was not an easy one to swallow. At the end of the day though I respected Bruce's opinion on the matter. I know there are other women out there like me who have had to actually make that decision. I respect that for them even more now that I've almost had to make it myself. This is just one of the MANY reasons I firmly believe in a woman's right to choose.

Confusion abounds!

After my ex Bruce and I broke up we tried to be friends, but because we both agreed that we were still attracted to one another it was always more of a "friends with benefits" sort of thing. During that time Bruce and I spent a lot of time fighting with each other on and off mostly because we still had a lot of unresolved issues left over from our relationship. Part of the problem is that when Bruce gets angry or upset he would rather ignore the issue and try to rationalize it away, while I would rather confront the issue head on so that I can move on. Due to Bruce's unwillingness to confront his issues with me many of our issues continued to be a problem for months. By the time May rolled around Bruce got so angry that he told me that he was never going to speak to me again. A month and a half later, on a random night in June, I get a text message from Bruce asking why he can't get me out of his head when he is drunk. I used that as an in and we started talking again, although this time it was mostly sexting and the occasional hook up. One August Sunday night Bruce had told me that if I sent him a sexy video that we could hook up on Tuesday night. I sent him the video, and so that Tuesday I was planning on hooking up with him. In the middle of the day Bruce just goes and drops the bomb on me that he has a new girlfriend! I was shocked, and hurt, and confused.

A few weeks later Bruce and I had another fight because I felt that he was being disrespectful towards me. Bruce essentially told me that he doesn't respect me and so I was very hurt and angry. I sent him a message saying that I was done with his disrespect and unless he learned to respect me I wasn't going to speak to him again. Bruce didn't respond. I didn't hear anything from him until last Friday night when he told me he was drunk and horny and asked if I wanted to hook up. The next day I was SO angry at him that I threatened to show all his friends the incriminating photos I had of him if he didn't stop treating me with disrespect! This time Bruce responded VERY quickly. He apologized profusely and explained that he had been dumped by his new girlfriend that night. We agreed to let by gones be by gones and start over from scratch.

On Monday night after I'd had a few too many glasses of wine and was extremely horny I texted Bruce to ask him if we were back to doing the whole "Friends with benefits" thing since he'd been dumped. He replied that he didn't know if he was back on the market or not because apparently the new girlfriend had him very confused as to what she wanted. I told him that he should just ask her. Then last night he sent me a text message telling me that he was very drunk and very horny, but doesn't know whether or not he is in a committed relationship. Once again I told him to ASK HER.

Obviously Bruce is very confused as to whether or not he is in a committed relationship with this girl, but honestly I think that if he really wanted to be with her he would be with her. He wouldn't be texting me about how horny he is if she was the one that he wanted. He would be texting her! I actually kind of feel bad for him in a way because he tends to jump into relationships to quickly because he is lonely. At the end of the day Bruce is a nice guy, and he doesn't deserve to be taken advantage of. I guess I have to admit that I do have an interest in this because I'd like to have my sexting buddy back, but I also have someone new in my life that I've been going out with and I don't know how much longer I'll be single.

Suck on that!

Towards the end of our relationship Bruce was always going around telling me about how clingy I am. He told me that because I kept saying that I missed him, and I would invite him to come along when I went out with my friends that I was clingy. This is something that has always bothered me because at the time I was worried that he was right because I was in love with him and would have believed anything he said. Overtime I came to realize that I was right at the time and he was wrong. He was calling me clingy because he felt bad about blowing me off, and he took the things that I was saying to him about missing him and such as some sort of judgement rather than the simple admission that I was missing the man I loved. Today I found a test online to determine how clingy you are. After everything that happened with Bruce I was naturally curious to see what my results would be. As it turns out the quiz confirmed what I already new. I'm NOT clingy. This is just yet another thing that goes onto the list of things that Bruce was wrong about when it came to our relationship.

Is August just my lucky month?

Last August I was at a friends birthday party when my best friend decided to hijack my phone and invite Bruce (our mutual friend at the time) to the club we were at. Amazingly he showed up, and he and I ended up making out the whole night. A few weeks later he was officially my boyfriends, and by october we were very much in love. Of course things got difficult after that with the holidays and everything, and by the 2nd week of January we broke up. Since them all I've encountered in the daring world has been ass hole after ass hole.
Earlier this month I was heartbroken when Bruce told me he had a new girlfriend (for a variety of reasons, but that's it's own post), and until last week I'd mostly given up on dating. However last week on Tuesday I went out with a guy I let online. He was really nice, and funny and I had a good time. I went out with him again on Friday and again he was nice and funny and the perfect gentleman. Tonight was our third date. He is officially the first guy I've met online who hasn't tried to push me into having sex right away. He seems like a really great guy, and for the first time in months I find myself wondering if I've found someone worth dating. :) maybe August is just a good month for me?

History is in the past, but sometimes it comes creeping back!

Since I've decided to start blogging about my crazy life I decided it would be a good idea to sit down and spell out all of the men in my history so that I don't forget. I think looking back on my history with men may actually help me learn more about myself. I saw someone do this on thoughtcatalog.com and I really liked the idea, so now its my turn.

My Sexual History:

1) The guy from the dance club... aka my first kiss
Age: 17 Date: November 2005
When I was a senior in high school my parents had to go out of town for a weekend when I had to work. Since they were going out of town and would have no idea where I was at I decided I would go to the dance club they had expressly forbidden me to go to with my friends. I'd always wanted to go there so that weekend I went. This guy from what I remember was a bigger hispanic guy. He came up and started dancing with me and as inexperienced as I was I had no idea what to do to get rid of him. I also was 17 and desperately didn't want to go to college without being kissed! From what I remember he was a terrible kisser! He kept biting my lips really hard and used a lot of tongue. We made out for a while on the dance floor and then I finally managed to ditch him. Honestly I don't even remember his name.

2) Matt
Age:18 Date: Spring 2006
Later on that year I met Matt because he was in my gym class. Originally we had made plans to go rock climbing with two of our other friends but they bailed so we ended up going to a movie together. He started holding my hand during the movie and then a few days later asked to be my boyfriend. Matt was a sophomore and I was a senior and I desperately wanted a date for prom, so even though I didn't really like him that much I tolerated his presence in my life. At prom it was a nightmare. First he got sick that weekend and almost didn't make it, then at dinner he threatened to stab my best friends date with a butter knife, on the dance floor he kept leaning on my making it hard for me to dance, and finally towards the end when he decided to make out with me he basically was just sucking my face. Needless to say it was one embarrassing night, and I made an effort to avoid him from then on. I basically broke up with him by disappearing since I was going away to school the next fall.

3)Adam
Age: 21 Date: Summer: 2009
Adam was a guy I met at a dance club while I was on vacation. He was the first guy to ever finger me. I thought he was really hot. We'd actually met him on the train and then he joined us at the club. He asked me out after, but I declined since I was only going to be in town a few more days and I was going to be very busy.

4)Kamil
Age: 22 Date: April 2010
Kamil was someone whom I'd known for a while and had been friends with for over a year. We were very close friends and hung out a lot. A lot of our friends liked to joke that we were going to end up getting married one day. On the night of my 22nd Birthday party we both got very drunk and my friends convinced him to pick me up and carry me into the bedroom. We started making out. I was shocked because contrary to what everyone else kept telling me I thought for sure he didn't find me attractive. I ended up giving him a blow job and we started having sex but the condom broke so we stopped. It was really awkward because our friends were right outside and because I had my period at the time. We cleared everything up between us the next day and we remained friends for almost two more years before he decided never to speak to me again. There were a couple other times that we hooked up leading to blow jobs or hand jobs, but that was it. In the end I think he was in love with me, but thought we could never be together because of our different backgrounds. I really liked Kamil, and considered him a good friend.

5)John
Age: 22 Date: Spring/Summer 2010
John was a friend of mine that I'd known for a while. I used to hang out with him and Kamil on a regular basis. One night I had John and Kamil over for "Margarita night" and after Kamil and I were significantly drunk Kamil convinced me to give John a hand job. Later on that night John and I made out a bit. A week later John and I were hanging out and he proposed that we be "friends with benefits" I had started to become more sexually curious after my 22nd birthday incident so I agreed. The only requirement was that we never had intercourse. We hooked up a few times in the spring/summer. The whole time we successfully hid it from Kamil. One night the three of us were at a party at my friends house and John and I went outside and started hooking up and while we were naked two of my friends came out looking for me and caught us in the act. One of those friends had a major crush on me and proceeded to go inside and tell everyone including Kamil. I only saw John maybe once after this at an event for a mutual friend.

6)Nevzat
Age: 22 Date: Summer 2010
Nevzat and I had been friends for about a year when I invited him and some of my other friends over for a small party. During the party I became upset with Kamil and our friend Dan. I was partially upset because Dan had a crush on me and was very drunk so he kept hitting on me which I found to be quite irritating. Nevzat and I went for a walk together so I could get away from Dan and we ended up hooking up. We both went down on each other, but we didn't have sex because we didn't have a condom and I wasn't on birth control. We made out on one other occasion 2 years later, but that was it. I am still friends with Nevzat.

7)Dan
Age:22 Dates: August 2010, January 2011, July 2011, June 2012
Dan is a friend that I've known since 2008. We went to school together and have many mutual friends. Dan has issues reading people and therefore can be very annoying from time to time. In Fall of 2009 he developed a crush on me that just wouldn't die. We hooked up a few times and had sex twice. I am still friends with Dan.

8)Bruce
Age: 23 Dates: August 2011-August 2012
Bruce was my first real boyfriend and my first love. We were friends for almost a year before we actually started dating. We dated for four months before Bruce broke up with me in a text message. Since then we have tried to be friends which hasn't always worked so well, and we have had sex several times. Currently I am still friends with Bruce.

9)Weed guy
Age: 24 Date: Early January 2012
The night that Bruce dumped me I was at a friends going away party and ended up making out with weed guy. I call him that because he reeked of weed. I gave him a hand job and we probably would have had sex except I had no condom.

10) Tom
Age: 24 Dates: January-July 2012
Tom was a friend of mine that one day after we'd known each other about a year suggested that we be "friends with benefits" I'd just been dumped by Bruce and needed a self esteem boost so I agreed. We hooked up a few times including one the one night we had a threesome. Tom is still my friend.

11) Irina
Age: 24 Date: March 2012
Irina is a friend and she and I decided one night we wanted to have a threesome with Tom. We did. We made out that night and I fingered her.

12) Kyle
Age 24 Date: April 2012
Kyle was the first guy that I met online that I ended up hooking up with. He was a few years older than me and had gone to my high school. Kyle and I made out on the first date. He was a good kisser. On our second date we gave each other oral sex, and on the third we had intercourse. He had promised before our third date that if we had sex he wasn't going to just disappear. That is exactly what he did.

13) Michelle
Age: 24 Date: June 2012
Michelle is the friend of a friend. We went out with our mutual friend one night and because I was too drunk to drive I ended up staying at her place. I don't know how it happened but we ended up making out. I fingered her. We still hang out from time to time with our mutual friends.

14) Mark
Age: 24 Date: June 2012
Mark is another guy I met online. We went on one date, and because I was somewhat drunk and super horny we ended up having sex. We agreed to go on another date at the time and still texted one another from time to time after that, but we never did go on that second date.

15) Arben
Age: 24 Date: June 2012
Arben is another guy that I met online. We ended up making out and hooking up on the first date and having sex on the second. Arben was younger than I was and was very sexually charged. We dated for about a month before he decided he just wasn't that in to me and broke things off. Arben was the first guy since Bruce that I'd actually seriously considered dating.

16) Army guy
Age: 24 Date: July 2012
I met army guy at a bar that I went to with Irina. Army guy was there with his friend. We ended up going on an adventure that led to Army guy and I having sex while Irina had sex with Army guys friend. This is the only true one night stand I've ever had.

Total people I've kissed: 16
Total people I've had oral with: 9
Total people I've had sex with: 8
Total ratio Men to women I've kissed: 14:2
Total people I've dated: 4
Total times I've been in love: 1