Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I'm afraid...

Last night I finally went to Bill's house for the first time. I went over there for "game night" with his friends. I had a lot of fun. It helped that of the three different card games we played I won all three lol. I guess I had beginners luck on my side. Bill's friends were really nice and I had a great time. I'm looking forward to going back next week. Bill also has this adorable black cat who is just the sweetest and most playful creature. I can tell that Bill is noticing that I have my walls up and I've been somewhat evasive. He is always trying to get to spend more time with me, and I feel like I'm always saying "no". I'm working on being more available to him, but it isn't easy. Not only am I super busy lately with everything, but I'm very much afraid of getting hurt.

The other issue is that I haven't slept with him yet. Usually by this point in the relationship I've already done that, and I'm afraid that sex could be an issue. Part of why I've always slept with guys early on is that I want to make sure that we're physically compatible before I invest any time getting to know them. The problem is that in the past that has almost always led to my being used. This time I was determined to do it right, so I haven't slept with him, but now I'm scared to death that if something goes wrong I'll either lose someone I've spent a lot of time with, or I'll no longer be attracted to him. I realize that I'm going to have to sleep with him soon though, because we're already boyfriend and girlfriend, I'm running out of excuses, and honestly I haven't had sex in 2 months and could really use some action.

There is one other issue I'm concerned about.... I'm not in love with Bill. Not yet anyway, and part of that is because I haven't fully brought my walls down. However, I'm beginning to be concerned that he is falling in love with me. This concerns me because it is REALLY awkward when one person says I love you and the other one doesn't say it back. When Bruce first told me that he loved me, I was pretty sure I was already in love with him too. He told me that I didn't have to say it back, but even though I'm not sure I was ready to say it back I said it anyway. I'd already accidentally texted it to him earlier that week, so I knew the feelings were there. I had just never said it before to a man so saying it was a big deal for me. I would very much like to fall in love again, but because of what happened with Bruce I know that I'm not ready for that yet. I do not want to get hurt like that again, and even though it's making me feel almost emotionally stunted to keep my walls up, emotionally stunted still feels better than heart broken.

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